I want to write a post about my hair. I want to write about how I’ve always struggled with it, but mostly made it work for me. I want to write about how it’s probably been my best (physical) feature through the years. About how I used to get up early early every morning in high school to wash, dry, and curl it on hot rollers every morning. And then how I let it go straight in college as time got tight. And then let it grow it past my waist — mostly because I went to school in a small town and the nearest salon was an hour away. I want to write about how I finally cut it off in a fit of liberation the summer before my junior year, because I was tired of wearing it wet in a braid to chem lab in the mornings. And then how I met my husband the next week. (He’s never seen me with hair quite that long, and I’m not even sure he’s ever quite believed that it was so.) I want to write about how he’s always loved my hair, long or short, and how I’ve loved him for that. How pregnancy hormones have been good to my hair, growing it long and strong and thick, but how it falls out slowly, gently, but persistently afterwards for months as my body returns to something approximating its pre-pregnancy state. How my babies love to tug on my hair, and how that has changed me too, as I have grown to understand how mother-love is all-encompassing and protective, and different in every way from any other love. (Who else would we tolerate, even encourage, hair-pulling from? Certainly not that little boy in first grade messing with our pigtails!) I want to write about how I’ll miss the baby tugging on my hair when I’m bald from chemotherapy.
But hair is so utterly unimportant to me right now that what I really just want to say tonight is, it’s gone. I went to a fancy salon to get it cut off to a short-short cut today to get ready for chemo next week, and I don’t even care.
I’m so happy that I’m going to live.
Yesterday. Today. Soon. Very Soon.
I look kinda like this. Except not this skinny. Seriously — who looks like this after two children?