Truth.

I cried this weekend.  A lot.  I was doing so well, but then … I was in a lot of pain, and nervous about what the week has in store.  Because the meds weren’t taking away the pain, WonderDaddy lifted me into a hot steaming bath (because my legs still weren’t working) to relax the muscles.  The pain in my legs dissapated a bit, and I began to feel better.  Then, after it cooled off, we added baby bath bubbles and a baby.  I began to gently wash his back with soapy hands, and he looked up at me and giggled.  I giggled back, briefly, and then, as he turned away to splash a bit, it struck me again.  This is the baby that we waited for.  This is the last baby I’ll ever have.  This is the baby that I’m living for.  And I began to cry.  Great big gobs of tears, actually, and I turned on the water again so no one else in the house would hear it.  I’m not good at talking about these feelings, you see, and I really still don’t want to talk about it, but in truth?  I am sad.  Quite sad, these days, and worried about what’s going to happen next with treatement.  Worried about getting to surgery, and then worried about the surgery itself.

That’s it.  That’s my truth for the day. 

But no, I don’t really want to talk about it.  I’d really rather talk about something entirely different.

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47 Responses to Truth.

  1. Tara-Lynn says:

    You are so strong and there are so many of us here in the blogosphere that are right there with you. Sending lots of good thoughts your way.

  2. This is a safe space for you, and I’m glad you’re sharing moments like these with us. We receive them, and embrace you, and hope that by sharing, you’re able to diffuse some of the nerves.

    We love you.

  3. eslocura says:

    Sometimes a girl just has to cry. nothing wrong with that. positive thoughts from my side of the world to yours.

  4. My Mom always told me that crying was a good release–that you need to cry to get the bad out so you can move on with the good. Let it out. And then we can talk about something else if you like…
    All the prayers and good thoughts I have are being sent to you. Hugs.

  5. juliepippert says:

    You let it out, though. Sometimes, it stinks, period. Nothing else for it. It’s not fair. What a weight you have on you. It’s feeling a bit dark now, understandably. But there are always two sides to the coin. Turn on the water. Let it out.

    Know you are cared about.

    Now. Something else, you say?

    What do your boys think of bubbles in the bath? My girls aren’t too keen about them unless they are few and small. I think it’s because they get in the way of the toys…they like to take plastic toys, such as animals and dolls in and have underwater adventures.

    Julie
    Using My Words

  6. whymommy says:

    Bubbles. We’re in favor of them. But nobody more than me!

    Time has been short lately, but I’m hoping to get back to commenting on your blogs soon. When I don’t feel good, I leave the lamest comments. Or just lurk. G’night, y’all.

  7. I’m honored that you are sharing with me. And now, as Julie says, something else.

    I was in the Mac store the other day and this guy comes up and says, “What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhinosaurus?”

    “ElephIno.”

  8. theroadtohome says:

    Thank you for sharing. Share as much as you need to in order to help curb the pain. We are here. We will always be here!

  9. Stimey says:

    Let it out. And know that it’s okay to not always be the strong one. Life handed you one of the lamest scenarios possible. And it’s okay to despair.

    But then come back to us and let us lift you, just like WhyDaddy, but with our love and words instead of actual arms. And know that there is light ahead.

    I wish I could take your pain away. I really do.

  10. Lindsey says:

    Remember this: There are no rules right now. No rules about how you are supposed to feel or what emotions you should be having or how many tears you are shedding.

    Anything goes. Your feelings are valid and it is OK TO CRY.

  11. Jan says:

    Why wouldn’t you cry? I know I would.

  12. clifford says:

    “really rather talk about something entirely different.”

    You know, if you’d used the word “completely” instead of “entirely”, we could have had all kinds of fun with this post.

    *sigh*

  13. You deserve a good cry. You have been so strong – and are still strong – but you got dealt a rotten hand and you can rage and cry and whatever…Just keep knowing “The Only Way Out is Through.” You will make your way out of this by going through it.

    Sometimes I’m not sure what to say in these comments because I suspect that probably what you want /need is someone just to listen. But how do you listen in cyberspace and still let someone know that you’re there?

  14. How about those Bears? (Or whatever the sports analogy works…) *hugs*

  15. Dawn says:

    Can we talk about shoes? I keep thinking I need to track down some Vincent’s cuz you loved them so, but I have some Stride Rite’s that I’m really happy with and I keep wondering if you’ve compared the two.

    *hug*

  16. Jenn says:

    You don’t know me – and I only know you through your written word – but I, a fellow mom with kids your kids’ ages – ball my eyes out while reading about your rollar coaster ride these last months. Of course you are going to cry. As my six year old says – NO DUH! Let your wonderful hubby take care of you and lean on all those who let you, both here in internet land and there in person.

    You have made such a difference in so many people’s lives by telling your story so honestly and publically. And for that, thank you.

  17. practiceliving says:

    I’ve always found that the bath or shower is THE best place to just let it all out and have a good cry.

    Lots of prayers for you, mama, for comfort and strength and excellent frothy bubble bath.

  18. spacemom says:

    Let’s see, how excited are you about the Hubble repair mission? Is that something you want to talk about? :)

  19. WorksForMom says:

    I sincerely wish there was something I could do. Since I can’t (is there) please know it’s okay to let. it. out. Sending positive thoughts your way my friend.

  20. Lara says:

    Let’s talk about blogging. I’m a blog virgin — well, bet you didn’t think I could still say I was a virgin, did ya? I have never even read a blog before yours. Is that embarrassing to admit? I want to learn all about blogs the next time we are together. Let’s talk about that, because I know you can teach me a lot.

    And, I would be so worried if you weren’t crying now and again. The healthiest thing you can do for yourself and your family is be true to the emotions you are feeling. It is helping your boys learn a valuable lesson about being okay with how they feel, about life, about anything. It is good for them to know it is okay to cry and be sad sometimes.

  21. JoC says:

    Long time lurker here… I rarely feel inspired enough to leave a comment. But Holly Cole sings a song called “Cry (if you want to) on her album Don’t Smoke in Bed” that says almost anything I would like to say. I found a short clip on-line:

    http://www.artistdirect.com/nad/window/media/player/0,,192795-326475-WMLO,00.html

  22. Imstell says:

    Let’s open a new topic. My favorite. Christmas. Sorry to indulge myself. Not. ;-) So… Do you remember when you stopped believing in Santa Claus? If so, do tell. I want all the sordid details. I am petrified that this will be the last year that B believes. As everyone knows, once the first kid falls the rest are quick to follow… I’ll be crushed beyond repair.

    BTW, a good healthy cry cleanses the heart and soul and clears one’s vision.

  23. Angela says:

    Thinking of you

  24. LawyerMama says:

    I can understand not wanting to talk about it, to dwell on it.

    But you don’t have to be so strong all the time. Sometimes you need a good cry and to feel sad, if only to have motivation to fight even harder.

    ((HUGS))

  25. Suze says:

    I’d actually be more concerned if you weren’t crying sometimes. It sounds very healthy. So does wanting to talk about something else when you’re done! Personally I’d like to hear about your weather, since it’s coming into the hot summer here and I prefer the cold.

    As always you and yours are in my thoughts.

  26. ((((hug))))

    That’s four sets of arms around you, from my three girlies and me.

    Come over to my place anytime, and listen to a little Christmas music! There is a different carol every day this month.

    Love you, Whymommy.

    xo CGF

  27. kgirl says:

    You’re more than entitled to cry. It can feel good.

    xo

  28. E :) says:

    Love. Lots of it being sent your way.

  29. BetteJo says:

    How about if we admire Stimey’s almost poetic comment? Very very nice.
    And did you hear that some places are trying to get Santa to slim down cause he’s a “bad example”? How absurd!
    Oh – have a look at this video – this guy is basically a flying squirrel but oh my gosh – can you imagine how exhilerating and peaceful this would be at the same time?

  30. Robin says:

    So what’s your favorite Monty Python movie?

    Much love to you Susan.

  31. Jay says:

    My first time here and I’m moved by the honesty and emotion. The raw realness and reality…

    Pardon the alliteration…

    Respecting your request, I offer the following.

    Something else to talk about: How about this? You’re at a dinner party. On the right of you sits Mel Brooks, on the left Dawn French. Who makes you snort and spew wine through your nose first, leaving you in total gales of laughter and what is it they said to finally push you over the edge into utter hilarity?

    Or maybe this: It’s the time of year where your neighbors are stringing up lights on their houses and temporarily hanging holly in their hearts. Your town council mandates that all homes must hang no less than 500, but not no more than 500,000 lights per house. You think this is a stupid idea, but you have to comply or face steep fines. You decide to use your light allotment to send a message. What do you write on the rooftop in lights?

    Or, you’ve been asked to describe the last party or large gathering you went to but you’re only allowed to write in alliteration. What is the result?

    And now, I’ll go away, total stranger that I am, but not before issuing one final off-topic idea: you have a camera in your hands and you can take two pictures. How would capture these two words: hold and value?

    All the best. -Janet

  32. Mrs. Chicken says:

    If you didn’t feel this way, if you didn’t struggle, I’d be worried. Letting those feelings out and allowing yourself to experience them is as important as the medical intervention. They can’t stay inside. Let them out, friend, and we’ll all be here to hold your hand.

  33. NoRegrets says:

    You can always adopt more!

  34. coolbeans says:

    A good cry doesn’t equal defeat. It’s good you got it out. It made room for a better day – complete with dancing!

  35. jj says:

    Let’s DO talk about something different…

    Are your kids afraid of Santa?

    Fa is petrified. To the point where she doesn’t want him coming to the house to bring her PRESENTS!!!!!

    She also hates Pizza and loves heavy metal…

    Will she ever like Santa?

  36. Stella says:

    You did great at letting it out. Saying what you wanted to and needed to say.

    You are so very strong.

  37. Alice C says:

    The bravest hearts are those that face their fear and then find the courage to get up and walk on. You can see it in every story of great endeavour. In the climbing of mountains, the exploration of new frontiers and the struggle against tyranny. Ask Nelson Mandela if he was ever afraid and I am sure that he will admit there were dark days.

    You have astonishing reserves of courage – you need not be afraid of the dark days – they are part of your journey.

  38. deb says:

    I’m feeling sad these days as well, not for the same reasons though. Usually I become a whirling dervish when I feel sad, trying to avoid the pain. This week, I’ve decide to lean into the sadness, feel it and experience it in a way I never have before. I’m hoping it makes it bearable in a way that it never has been in the past.

    There is a time for sadness sweetie, it’s okay to feel that way.

    You are in my thoughts and prayers, as always.

  39. [...] Truth. I cried this weekend.  A lot.  I was doing so well, but then … I was in a lot of pain, and nervous about what […] [...]

  40. Bon says:

    i’m glad you set this free out here, Susan…i just wanted to tell you that. and got here and found i didn’t need to, because you already had.

    it is a safe space no matter who is here. it’s yours. and you are loved and received and held up, all the things that Kate said.

  41. NYfriend says:

    Hugs WhyMommy, just wanted to encourage you to continue being truthful as you always have been and I know you always will be.

    We’re all here to listen, even when you don’t want to talk about it. :)

    p.s. Love Stimey’s comment – well said. :)

  42. Marie T says:

    I wish I was magic – I’d be there with my magic wand in a flash…
    Something else to talk about — my little guy is happy playing with split peas in a wading pool for hours. I think Santa should bring him a 20lb bag of pinto beans and return the trains and trucks. No lead in spilt peas at least! :)

  43. Ally says:

    I’ve been away from blogging for a few days, so I’m sorry I wasn’t able to leave a comment here in a timely fashion.

    I can’t imagine going through what you are going through without having days where you feel like this. I’m glad that you sat in the bathtub and let the tears come. I’m sending you a big hug along with my prayers!

  44. Angie says:

    I am appreciating the raw truth that is so evident in your words. I am appreciating your courage and I am feeling the intensity of watching your child and wondering… what next?

    I send love and healing your way, dear lady and pray that it feels you with warmth and peace.

    Thank you for sharing.

    With love,
    Angie

  45. Angie says:

    typo there…

    “feels” should be “fills”

    but hey! Maybe it works anyway???

  46. [...] morning. I’m going to try it — and give thanks every step of the way that I’m able to walk again, to run, to be active again, one year [...]

  47. [...] Last year, it would have been unimaginable for me to plan that far ahead.  Last year at this time, I couldn’t even walk — and it was a leap of faith for me to buy a 2008 calendar.  But today, I am healthy.  The [...]

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