This morning has been tough. Really tough. Sweet new friend Kim the Midwife asked a question the other day on her blog:
“What does WhyMommy think of now in those moments when she’s not strong? What is normal in her house? I swallow hard now and hold a future for her in my swelling heart.”
It’s a funny question, this. I’ve only known that I have beast cancer for six days. It’s been a whirlwind of tests and plans and staying strong and positive, so I haven’t really had any time to think about it. Which is good.
You all have really helped me with your stories of survivors and fighters and positive thoughts. And the Team WhyMommy bling that you’re displaying on your blogs. You’re all too wonderful. This is keeping me going. This is keeping me positive.
But in the dark moments….
I hurt. They say that beast cancer doesn’t hurt. In fact, it isn’t painful at all compared to what I went through last year with a difficult pregnancy and 7 months of bed rest. But there are insistent little shooting pains, and aches all over as my body corrals its strength to fight off this intruder. Today my neck is stiff, and I’m weak in my right arm, shoulder to fingertips. My breast is really bothering me. It’s hot. And red. And angry. And frankly, I’m a bit angry at it too. It’s just WRONG to have to carry around the thing that’s trying to kill you. It really is.
I worry. I don’t want to leave my little boys mommyless. No one can mommy them like me. And I don’t want to talk about it (because it’s NOT going to happen), but it still nags me in the back of my mind. They’re too young to even remember me, should the worst happen. SO I CAN’T LET IT HAPPEN. I try to set it aside and concentrate on loving them. I’m doing pretty well, I think. Right now we’re having a Curious George-fest. I’m not strong enough to go out and play (had to cancel a playdate at the park, which I’m upset about), so we’re just cuddled up watching the Curious George movie together. And then, Mr. Rogers. He’s so comforting. Maybe TV isn’t always such a bad thing after all.
I am tired. So very tired. The mornings are the worst. Starting on Thursday I have just had a hard time making it through the morning. I’m just tired. And I ache. But it doesn’t make me feel very strong at all.
And now this has become just so the post I didn’t want to write. The one I didn’t want you to read. Whiny and all that. But you know, the funny thing is, every time I get so down and don’t feel quite so strong, I open my computer to talk about it (because talking through my writing helps me communicate with those who I know in the blogosphere and those who I have known and loved for years. Even my parents are reading my blog now — and my Aunt Linda — and my best friends — and even the mothers of my best friends from childhood (Hi, Pastor Margaret and Brownie!) — and I can type about it even if I can’t talk about it). And can you imagine what happens?
Every time I open my browser window, someone else has come to visit. Someone else has come to say hello. To share a story of a survivor who has inspired them. To say hey, I’m thinking of you, and you can DO this!
And suddenly, I’m not down about it anymore. I’m part of a huge network of survivors. Of fighters. Of women who just basically give a d*mn about each other and who will lift each other up.
And I have the strength to go on.
Thanks for your comments! As I’m just beginning my fight against breast cancer, I am particularly sensitive right now and need positive comments and wishes of strength only right now. No pity here!