Not today

I’m … not doing well.

This week has been a hard recovery, with stops and starts. I was able to sit up during Canape’s visit on Sunday, for nearly 2 hours, and it was absolutely lovely to see good friends. But then I spent the rest of the day in bed. And again Monday. And again Tuesday. And Wednesday I went out to morning yoga, and got centered, but also got exhausted. And now I haven’t done so much as check my email in days. I tried to put together a post about baby books we love (maybe later), and I did a review of the new PBS kids show Word World over at Review Planet, but that’s the entire sum of my accomplishments for the week.

Well, and I also spent time with my boys.

And helped Widget make a birthday hat.

And read him story after story for his naptimes.

And told him more stories after lights-out. Stories about two little brothers named Orville and Wilbur who grew up and made the very first airplane. About another little boy named Alexander who grew up to invent the telephone with his friend Watson. About sailing ships and pirates and how it feels to have the wind blow on your face as you sail across the Bay. About how Mommy and Daddy will take him sailing one day, when he’s big enough. And about how he and Little Bear will grow up to do amazing things and have fun together, and make a difference in the world.

I’m sneaky that way.

I’ve also cuddled baby Little Bear. And fed him Cheerios with my good hand. And helped him take some sips of milk out of a cup (finally!). And held him and talked with him and bounced a silly mylar balloon above our heads to make him laugh. Gramma says it’s teaching cause and effect, but we just think it’s fun.

Little Bear cut two teeth. And took some steps across the floor with Grandpa. And now grunts and grumbles and grouses loudly as he works to figure out his rattles and levers and the toy car he “found” at the table one day.

He’s playing on the floor with Grandma now. Widget is finishing his nap upstairs. And I’m still here.

I guess maybe I’m doing better than I thought.

I’m still here. After a week like this one, that’s important to remember and to focus on. I’m still here. And tomorrow will be better than today. As long as the chemo is working, I have tomorrow to look forward to. (And then the surgery, recovery, and marathon of daily radiation. But we’ll tackle that when it comes. ) Today, I can sit up for a few minutes every few hours.

And I’m still here.

42 Responses to Not today

  1. S.,

    You’ll do it … the chemo might kick your butt for now, just ride it out .. breath in and breath out, and keep breathing. I’m praying for you!

    Tanya

  2. amanda says:

    Cutting teeth and beating cancer, big shakes over at Toddler Planet. Feel proud, WhyMommy, feel incredibly proud. And I think I speak for all of us when I say you should feel incredibly proud from the comfort of decadently over-priced, goose down pillows covered in obscenely high-thread count, girly pillow cases.

    Hugs

  3. twithhoney says:

    I can’t believe that I haven’t thought of telling Princess stories like that. How sneaky and clever of you!

    Your body may not be cooperating but you are definitely still ‘here’.

  4. Jenifer says:

    And we are here with you…..

    You speak of your accomplishments as if they were minor… to your boys I am sure this weeks accomplishments were absolutely wonderful!

  5. Christy says:

    It sounds like you had some good times with your boys today! It brought a smile to my lips as I read and I longed for a cuddle with my own. One day at a time, that is all it is. Prayers are with you🙂

  6. Stimey says:

    I was going to say that too: One day at a time.

    This is one of the many reasons you inspire me: you make up stories about the Wright brothers and I make up stories about…well, I don’t make up stories. My point is made.

    Hang in!

  7. mamatulip says:

    You are still here. One foot in front of the other, one step at a time, one minute at a time. I’m thinking of you.

  8. You ARE still here, and you CAN do this.

    Thinking of you,
    Lisa

  9. You are here and we’re here too. Day by day WhyMommy. Day by day.

  10. canape says:

    Thank you for the 2 hours.

  11. thetardyteacher says:

    Here Here!
    (and you’ve accomplished plenty!)

  12. ohamanda says:

    You ARE still here. And guess what? Jesus is too. He said He’d never leave your or forsake you. My favorite version says that He’ll never leave you or desert you. He’s there with you!

    And I think you’ve accomplished more than enough! Always praying.

  13. Oh, my dear… It sounds to me like you’ve got all of life’s TRULY important stuff MORE than covered this week.

    Your time with your little boys sounds priceless… And your body is winning the war. How much better could you possibly do?!

    Now take some time to rest, Whymommy!! It sounds like you’ve MORE than earned it.

    Thinking of you and sending much love, CGF xo

  14. I echo so many others — one day at a time.

    And even, if need be, one hour at a time.

    You are hangin’ with your boys and working on getting well. What else is there?

  15. Joanna says:

    What is amazing is all the fighting you are doing. You may feel like utter crap, but you are rebuilding, and it will show. You accomplished more with your kids today than many, and all while rebuilding from within. Ever-stronger, you are becoming. I applaud you. Strength tomorrow and everyday.

  16. kerri4 says:

    And we will always still be here. Be strong.

  17. Dammit, dammit, dammit. Okay…this too shall pass. Hang on. We’re here for you.

  18. Jennifer says:

    We’re all still here, too, rooting you on. Hang in there, I’m thinking of you.

  19. Linda Sue says:

    Amen – you ARE still here and we are rejoicing – with cancer as with so much of life – just getting through a day is not a minor thing! You are blessing your kids and those of us who care about you and your family. WTG – it is easy for you to see what you didn’t get done – but you DID get done – staying here.Bless you

  20. BetteJo says:

    Sounds to me like you are using the energy you have for the most important things. What’s more important than cuddling with and reading stories to your babies?

  21. MammaLoves says:

    I love your sneaky ways.

    I know you’re tired. But it sounds like you’re heading in the right direction.

    Wish I could give you some energy. I would if I could. Sounds like you’re doing exactly the right things with what you have. Those boys have one terrific mama.

  22. shauna says:

    And we’re still here too–cheering you on!

  23. clifford says:

    If your IBC had a blog, it would be quite empty this week.

    (kinda hard for IBC to type when it’s sucking on a big chemo slurpee 24-7, baybee)

  24. Leann I Am says:

    You are in the fight of your life and you seem to be winning! I am so proud of your ability to gain perspective on the bad days. It’s all in how you look at it, isn’t it?

    There are a lot of people very happy that you are still here. You are having the quality times with your children that so many of us get too busy to take advantage of. Your kids are so lucky to have you! So are we!

  25. Jacquie says:

    Hugs sweeties hugs. You are doing awesome!

  26. planetnomad says:

    I think you’re accomplishing an incredible amount of stuff–not to mention teaching all of us perspective, which is no mean feat!

  27. Robin says:

    Even when you are feeling really crappy you are still coming up with the most wonderful things to do and say with your children. You inspire me WM.

  28. Amy says:

    yes you are! Hooray for you! You go!!

  29. Susan K says:

    The chemo is working, the chemo is working (and have you stopped to think how wonderful it is that you have such tangible evidence that it is working?? How many people, with cancers deep inside never get that satisfactioin and comfort?).

    Watch it retreat, hear it whimper. And if you need to be lying down to hear it, so be it.

    You have two things to do right now, be there for your boys and fight the IBC. Sounds to me like you are doing both VERY WELL.

    Thinking of you.

  30. Susan K says:

    By the way. Go to this URL, click the button, help a woman who can’t afford it get a mammogram. And at least glance at the advertisers whose contributions make this possible!

    http://www.thebreastcancersite.com/clickToGive/home.faces?siteId=2

  31. Okay, that comment by Clifford cracked me up.

  32. Okay, that comment by Clifford cracked me up.

  33. Bon says:

    you’re still here, and you’re filling Widget with tales of brothers, and Little Bear with cuddles and Cheerios…oh Whymommy, it’s more than enough.

    it’s hard to slow down. it’s hard to take things one day at a time and really accept that that’s enough. but all the important things are getting done. and you – with all that energy you can’t feel, you’re kicking cancer’s butt. or giving it a chemo slurpee, as Clifford says.

    good on ya.

    you don’t owe us anything, btw…it’s okay to take a day or two and just rest. or a week or two, though we worry.😉 but we’re here FOR you. not the other way around. when you just don’t have the energy to blog…you rest and feed on our love and prayers, okay?

  34. Jenn says:

    Your accomplishments, for the hour, for the day, for the week, for your life:

    Astounding.

    Keeping the faith for you, when you feel like you can’t.

  35. Aliki says:

    It sounds like you did a trremendous amount this week and as always you continue to touch hearts everywhere.

  36. christine says:

    get some rest, sounds like you really need it. be well

  37. Jen E says:

    Save your energy for fighting cancer and telling stories to the children. I think you are doing great! Hugs!!

  38. Emily says:

    Dude. You’ve totally done better than me today.

  39. Ana says:

    You ARE still here and doing a wonderful job at it!

  40. urban urchin says:

    Sister, you’re like the army! “We do more before 9:00 a.m. than most people do all day” PS you tell WAAAAY better stories than we do in the house of urchin….

  41. Ally says:

    You are still here. That’s right. And it sounds like you could give us all a good tutorial in inspiring story-telling. Man, you rock Mama!

  42. Damselfly says:

    You’re amazing. Here’s to healing and no more weeks like that.

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