Like knives

Every now and then, someone asks me what it feels like to have cancer and weekly chemotherapy.  Today, this is how it feels:

  • the nausea comes and goes, and comes again, making my stomach hurt with the churning;
  • i have no appetite and cannot taste even my favorite dinners prepared by my loving husband (don’t tell him, okay?);
  • my body aches;
  • every large bone in my body feels like a knife, piercing in the joints and sockets where they connect;
  • the medicine i took to relieve the pain made me slightly goofy, embarrassing me when a friend called at 9:00 this morning;
  • i am so tired at the end of the day i can barely drag myself to bed; and
  • sadness, although that lessened when i remembered that the other symptoms are merely side effects from the chemotherapy, NOT the cancer.

So I end the day much as I try to end every day.  Frustrated by the pain, saddened by the presence of the cancer, but HOPEFUL that tomorrow will be better, GRATEFUL for a day spent with my husband and little children, and DEDICATED to living each day so that at dusk I can say that the good outweighed the bad. 

And tomorrow will be better.

16 Responses to Like knives

  1. I can’t even begin to imagine… I’m just so sorry that this has to be such a difficult road for you to travel, Whymommy. In the face of it all, your courage, stamina and positive attitude leave me overwhelmed with admiration.

    Beating this cancer, and being able to spend many, many more happy years with your beautiful family will be SO worth it.

    Love you.

    xo CGF and Girlies 3

  2. juliepippert says:

    I am grateful to know you. Another person I know got the diagnosis. And because of you I was able to understand what that meant. I hope it also means I will know how to be a good support.

    So I am really grateful for your dedication—in the face of all you have to bear—to sharing so much here with us.

    Julie
    Using My Words

  3. whymommy says:

    Thanks, Julie. I don’t write about it to whine, and I hope it never comes across like that … but I figure something MUST come out of all this. I hope my experience does help you help your friend. That alone would make it worth it. Almost, anyway.

    Friendship is the key to surviving this. The survivor has to have a reason to fight.

    Not just one day, but every day. The hard part is keeping up the fight every. damn. day.

  4. carosgram says:

    From your lips to God’s ear

  5. You bear it with strength and grace. I hope tomorrow is better than today, and the next day better than tomorrow.

  6. Here for you whymommy, and wishing you strength and better times.

  7. Fred Hughes says:

    Why put yourself through this sickening pace? Ablate the cancer. No surgery, no chemo, no radiation. Have you seen the thermal image of Diane Sawyer’s face on breastcancercured.com? Click on ABC News tab. Answer 6 unbelievable questions to learn your breast cancer risk.

  8. Ally says:

    Hang in there, sweet one. I’m praying for you tonight.

  9. teeni says:

    Hi! I’m just another bc survivor finding you through a meme. I wanted to stop in and send my well wishes for your continued stamina to fight IBC. Yes, please remember that the chemo makes you feel like crap so you WILL feel better and tomorrow WILL be better. I also found that foods with tomato sauce tended to be the most normal tasting of the foods I ate during chemo – I don’t know if that will help you but I hope so. I’ll be back.

  10. cancervixen says:

    According to my physical therapist, those stabbings of your imaginary knife are your cartilage trying to remain sturdy and strong. Does it help to let you know that they fade away over time? If you don’t over do it. I know how hard that is because I have a running jumping almost 3 year old and I myself am on taxol.

  11. Emily says:

    So, what you are saying is that there are more comfortable ways to pass the time…? I’m thinking of you every day as you win this fight.

    Oh, and on yesterday’s post — I have been known to fall asleep in the dentist’s chair, so that yogi thing would knock me out completely.

  12. ~JJ! says:

    Honest.
    Hugs.

  13. amanda says:

    Wishing I could sheath the knives, sending hugs and hope until I figure out how.

  14. […] will make me jumpy for 2 days, the taxol will make me nauseated all weekend, the bone pain will be fierce like knives, and I will be generally exhausted until Tuesday makes it hard to submit to another dose.  I would […]

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