Shouldn’t it get easier?

After 12 treatments of chemotherapy, shouldn’t it get easier? 

I expected it to be a breeze by now, waltzing into the chemo infusion unit, sitting down in the recliner, and getting my weekly dose of posion.  But it’s not, really.  Knowing what to expect from chemotherapy, and living through a dozen sessions, doesn’t always make it easier.

Each week, I would give almost anything not to have to go down to the hospital and get treatment.  Knowing that the IV will chill my veins, the premeds will make me fall asleep, the steroid will make me jumpy for 2 days, the taxol will make me nauseated all weekend, the bone pain will be fierce like knives, and I will be generally exhausted until Tuesday makes it hard to submit to another dose.  I would give almost anything not to have to go down there again.

Almost. Anything. 

But not time with my children, watching them and helping them grow up into “big kids,” and being there every step of the way.  And so, for them, I will continue with this protocol until the end of the year, and look forward to surgery instead of dreading it, and give thanks for the opportunity to fight this cancer.

(But it’s still hard.)


Little Bear is my littlest reason for living.  His daddy and brother are big reasons too.  Then there’s family.  And watch out, NASA … when I feel better, I’m coming for you!

20 Responses to Shouldn’t it get easier?

  1. Oh, WM, those dimples on that sweet boy!

    We have NO idea how tough it is, I’m sure of it. But you are handling it all with an extraordinary amount of courage, dignity, and grace, friend.

  2. Oh, he is ab-so-lute-ly gorgeous, Whymommy… And you are doing SO well. We’re all here with you, cheering you on, every step of the way.

    xo CGF

  3. Tracy says:

    Those must be some of the most nuzzle-able dimples in the history of toddlerkind. I hope these painful times pass quickly for you, and that you begin to feel stronger and better while smooching those cheeks as soon as possible.

  4. mcgearstella says:

    Oh my goodness! He is SO FREAKING CUTE! I love the teeth! I can only imagine what your other reasons to live look like…you are one lucky mommy!

    I’m sorry this is so hard. Those words sound so small but I am so sorry that you are experiencing any of this.

  5. whymommy says:

    Your words are not small. Your words could never be small. And tonight, as I fight the side effects and the general drag of it all, they encourage me beyond measure.

    Thanks for stopping by!

  6. juliepippert says:

    Oh that little face…too cute, too precious.

    Yes, hang on to what matters and gets you through.

    I don’t have any pretty words because seriously, it sounds absolutely ghastly, chemo does. The tumor meds were highly unpleasant in side-effects but SO not even close to chemo. Not even. And I felt great washes of dread and self-pity when the days came to take the meds. Of course you would give almost anything.

    You’ve got your focal points, though, and that’s what matters.

    I also am sure NASA is waiting eagerly to welcome you. They will be lucky and happy to get you. There are so many new, amazing projects on the horizon…beyond the shuttle…

    Using My Words

  7. Rose100 says:

    Oh, S. I am so sorry that the treatments are so taxing and so terrible. It would be so wonderful if there were a different way to go about ridding yourself of this thing.
    Of course it doesn’t get easier. The mind and body have a way of rejecting the bad and the painful. You are like the firefighter who goes into that burning building, knowing what is inside, but also knowing that there is no other choice. What must be done,must be done.
    May you emerge from the flames, victorious.

    PS– he is a gorgeous, joyous little boy.

  8. NYfriend says:

    Big hugs WhyMommy.

    Chemo – It’s tough, it royally sucks, and it’s just not cool! But, as you already said, it’s giving you the most precious thing in the world – time with your wonderful family.

    You can do this, you ARE doing this. And look out NASA indeed! Can’t wait to see what you have cooked up for them. 🙂

    More hugs ya bad a$* mama! You’re one tough cookie.

  9. the new girl says:

    I wish it did get easier for you.

    But I agree that you have some great reasons to keep on keepin’ on.

    That little one there is just too cute for words.

  10. Stimey says:

    It sounds really hard. It is really hard. You, though, are almost there. And, oh my God, how cute is that picture of Little Bear?

    You are the toughest; you can do it!

  11. Emily says:

    That’s a pretty cool reason for living. All three are.

  12. Bone pain fierce like knives is so vivid. That and the cold just chills me. I’m so sorry you and others go through this with chemo. But I’m glad to know what it is like. Just to know. And think of you. And that Little Bear clearly is getting to be Big, and clearly has a Gigantic Personality. I’m so glad you have them, those precious boys, all of them.

  13. Your boy is too damn cute for words! I’m sure his big bro and Daddy are too. I’m so sorry that its so hard, but you are brave beyond belief. I hope that soon this is all behind you and you and your adorable boys are all snuggled up and happy!

  14. WorksForMom says:

    Oh my, that adorable little smile makes me smile. Beautiful, beautiful post. I just wanted to let you know I’m here, listening and still cheering you on.

  15. amanda says:

    Good grief, but he’s gorgeous! I see your smile.

  16. canape says:

    I think that Momma thought it would get easier too. As she started her third round a few weeks ago, she was surprised to find how tired and nauseated she was afterwards.

    I guess it will always be physically difficult to bear. For that, I’m sorry. For it’s results, I’m still grateful.

    And in case no one has said it lately, thank you for fighting so hard. As someone who wants you around for a long time, I really appreciate what you are doing.

  17. ggirl says:

    You can do it. I know you can. Sending you big hugs and lots of moral support.

    What a cutie pie that little boy is!!

  18. NoRegrets says:

    Did you see the article in October 22, 2007 Newsweek? Page 48 – “What’s Chemo Mommy?”

  19. whymommy says:

    Oh, I did. What a hard article. But it was nice to hear about how other families cope.

  20. Ally says:

    Oh, that Little Bear. Wow. What a picture!

    Keep up the good work, WM. I can only imagine how hard it must be to face chemo time after time. Many many hugs to you this day!

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