Blogging has been good to me. As I mention often, your comments and prayers lift me up and help me focus on the good parts of life and the goodness of the human spirit. I can’t believe that so many former strangers are now friends, and so many of you keep me company on days when I hurt so badly I don’t even feel like sitting down with myself. I’m so lucky to have friends from around the world to talk to even in the middle of the night, like tonight, since I’m up and uncomfortable with stomach convulsions (because I dared to eat dinner) and knife-like bone pain from the chemo.
I’ve kept busy throughout this cancer carousel with tests and scans, chemo and recovery, writing, advocacy, yoga, friendship, family time, and focusing on helping my (very) little boys grow up into good kids. But perhaps I’ve kept too busy for my own good. Until I read this post from Punk Rock Mommy, I never considered the fact that I’m now living with a terminal illness.
I have a terminal illness.
OMG, y’all. How could I have missed that? I mean, I know that I have cancer. I had bad days — really bad days — where I didn’t think I’d live this long. I had days where I lay in bed, in pain from the cancer and almost immobile with exhaustion, where I was terribly scared and asked for prayers. I had days where the aftermath of the chemo treatments made me feel like I was dying. Several of them. But what I don’t think I ever considered was that even now, now that I’m feeling better and hopeful about surgery in January and subsequent radiation, that there still is no cure for cancer.
Unless scientists have a major breakthrough — and soon — I will always have cancer. I will have to learn how to live — vibrantly, exuberantly, and well — with a terminal illness. Perhaps you realized that. I guess, somehow, I overlooked it.
Edited to add: Mom and Dad, I really wish you hadn’t read this. Since you did, though, you should go and read what my internet friends have said in response, both in the comments and over at Joanna’s, at Stella’s, and at Canape’s. They are wise, these friends, and I slept better after reading their posts.