Well, that just tears it.

Last night, something happened to me.  I don’t know what exactly, but my body just went slack and it still isn’t right.  I can’t seem to get my legs to listen to me today, and walking is out of the question.  WonderDaddy had to cancel his big meetings at work to care for the kids by himself, and I just stayed in bed all day, medicated to high heaven and wishing the hours to pass.

My oncologist was NO HELP, telling me to alternate tylenol and motrin (in addition to the oxy) until my appointment with her tomorrow.  Oh, sure, no problem.  I’ll just LIE HERE until then. 

To sum up:  can’t feel my legs.  Can’t move them very well either.  Still can’t eat anything besides crackers and toast.  When the meds wear off, I can feel the bones in my legs because they are like knives, with the sharp blades rubbing against each other in the joints.  Chemo again tomorrow.  All I can do is lie here and look out the high window across from my bed, cuddling my oldest and reading him books or watching a movie together.

So I did that.  And as we watched the season’s first snow blanket our neighborhood, I realized that I am still lucky.  Lucky to be here with my little ones.  Lucky to be alive.  I’m not sad today.  Just wishing that tomorrow were here already and we could get some idea whether this is related to the expected neuropathy or if something else has happened.  Because really I have no idea.


48 Responses to Well, that just tears it.

  1. NotAMeanGirl says:

    Oh man hon. Sending up some extra prayers for you.

  2. Love you, Whymommy… Hang in there. Tomorrow’s coming…

    Thinking of you–

    xo CGF and Girlies 3

  3. Katherine says:

    Damn it that sucks. Cuddling is great though and good medicine. Crappy oncologist though, come on people “I CAN’T MOVE! DO SOMETHING!” I’d be throwing a fit. Good thing you’re a better person than I am.

    I have my biannual check up with my oncologist this Friday and I’m nervous as hell.

  4. Melissa says:

    I hope you can get some good answers tomorrow…

  5. FENICLE says:

    Sucky indeed! I can remember my cousin (Stephanie) who had IBC a couple years ago describing the pain in her bones as you did.

    I think she finally figured out it was just the strength of the chemo & shots of something(?) she was taking.

    Many prayers to you & your family! You have incredible strength and that will take you farther than your legs will 🙂

  6. juliepippert says:

    So sorry to hear of this turn.

    Have they got anything they can do to help you at all with side-effects?


    Hang on to the finding good moments.

    Using My Words

  7. Oh…. man…..well the word I wanted to use began with f…..’man’ doesn’t seem strong enough.

    I was thinking of you last night. I woke in the middle of the night and you were on my mind. Babe. No words can make you feel better, just keep talking keep sharing and we will keep praying for you.


  8. Dammit. Dammit for all the hurry up and waiting you must have to do. Staying tuned for whatever news you may have for us tomorrow…

  9. Thinking of you and hoping tomorrow comes quickly and with good news and a simple cure.

  10. Veronica says:

    That doesn’t sound at all fun! I hope they can get to the bottom of it for you.

  11. theroadtohome says:

    Hang in! Perhaps they can offer better help tomorrow.

  12. I hope tomorrow brings an answer … and more important, some course of treatment to make this pain go away. I’d like you to be told it’s just the chemo being a bull in a china shop.

    Hard for you to bear, but in its rampage, we all hope it breaks the unwelcome dishes.

    I hope you can get some sleep tonight, and I’ll be thinking of you tomorrow.

  13. Well, crap. I’m so sorry–I really hope that tomorrow brings some answers and simple solutions. At least you are cuddling…I hope its making you feel a little better at least. I am praying that you figure it all out tomorrow. Hugs and good wishes coming your way.

  14. fizzledink says:

    Thinking of you tonight, and hoping the pain eases so you can rest. And hoping they have some answers for you sooner rather than later.

  15. Qutecowgirl says:

    my fingers are crossed, my thoughts and prayers are with you that this is just something that will be taken care of easily and is nothing big. (after all you have enough to deal with tomorrow)

  16. abunslife says:

    I hope you get some freakin answers tomorrow. Hopefully you can get some sleep and gain some strength so you can raise some hell and get answers!! btw, thanks for taking the time to stop by my little ole blog and leave a few comments. It was nice to know you visited. 🙂

  17. Oh, hon, I’m sorry. I am going to keep my fingers crossed that you can keep the pain away and get some answers — soon.


  18. Holly says:

    Ugh, how wretched. I hope you come home tomorrow without this fugly new side effect.

  19. Twenty Five Days says:

    I am really sorry, and blown away that you were even thinking about sending us emails and writing posts. Thank you so much…we’re going to say some extra prayers tonight that you feel much better very soon.

  20. Twenty Five Days says:

    And also? This is Angela, not Laura…she’s not reading, promise.

  21. jessicaford says:

    I got your message so I came to check out your blog. I feel ashamed for being so selfish.

    I hope all goes as well as possible for you tomorrow.

    I don’t pray much, but I will for you tonight.


  22. Stimey says:

    I’m so glad you’re not sad. I think you may be the strongest person I know, even if today your legs are not.

    Much love to you, and good luck tomorrow!

  23. Amya says:

    Are you sure you didn’t have a stroke? Did you call your PCP? What about going to the ER??? Can’t walk is NOT a normal consequence. Damn that slow-moving oncologist, I’m MAD MAD MAD for you, it’s not an acceptable consequence AT ALL.

  24. WhyMommy, I’m so sorry you hurt. I have been thinking about you, thinking about you yesterday when I was on the DC metro and saw the signs for this spring’s Avon Breast Cancer Walk. Wow, I thought, wouldn’t it be cool to join a WhyMommy team and to walk? What about getting people going now with practice walks? Maybe we could have WhyMommy Takoma/Bethesda/DC/Silver Spring/Greenbelt etc….I was thinking about you and the sunshine and the friends and a big walk in the spring, not knowing that those legs for walking are causing you so much pain now. I’m so sorry. Try to visualize the spring and how much stronger you will be and how we will all walk together… Be well..

  25. WorksForMom says:

    Here. Listening. Hoping and praying for a better tomorrow pal.

  26. practiceliving says:

    Extra prayers for you tonight, mama. Hope you get your legs back quickly.

  27. PrettyTulip says:

    I’m a new reader of your blog…drawn to it because our Tiny-ones are just weeks apart in age. (My son’s first b-day is next week) Your posts are very profound and I find myself thinking of you many times during the day. *hugs* …..

  28. Ally says:

    Oh, Susan, what a bummer. I hope you and the docs get this figured out (right QUICK!) and you’re up and at ’em very soon. Many many hugs to you (and you’re in my prayers tonight as you are every night)!

  29. Lynn in GA says:

    I hate that you’re experiencing this. I hope and pray you find out some answers tomorrow. I have to second Amya, they really need to make sure this couldn’t be something more serious. With you not feeling well and laying in bed, you could get a blood clot or anything. You can tell that oncologist he/she has mad a bunch of fellow mama’s mad for not taking more action! Have one of the nurses show you how to take the pulse in your foot tomorrow. If at anytime you have this pain/numbness, check for that pulse, if you can’t find it, call the Dr. and head on in!

  30. Sweet Susan Whymommy, I so wish you well. Healing vibes from the blogosphere are being sent your way: Blogotherapy. No side effects, either.

  31. delilah says:

    Hoping you get some answers today. I will be keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.

  32. sherry says:

    Sometimes not being able to do anything is a good thing…your body knows what it needs. I’m thinking it is neuropathy..it sounds like how I felt on taxol. My onc gave me tylenol 3 and I slept through the worst of it after each treatment. But no matter if it is neuropathy, it’s a scary thing and it’s alarming. Not being given an answer to your question over the phone is even more frustrating. Prayers and thoughts for you and that the onc has some answers today that will help.

  33. Emily says:

    Thinking of you. As always.

  34. Stephanie says:

    Sending extra prayers your way today!

  35. Robin says:

    I hate this for you. Really really hate it.

    Sending much love to all of you.

  36. I hope this passes and you feel better soon.

  37. Bon says:

    yikes, friend. hoping with today came less pain and more answers, along with a chemo treatment as gentle as they can come.

  38. Anna Jarzab says:

    Dear Why Mommy,
    I am working with VOICE (an imprint of Hyperion publishers) on marketing a memoir by Kelly Corrigan, a thirty-six-year-old woman whose life was changed forever when she discovered a lump in her breast. Kelly’s breast cancer diagnosis was quickly followed by her father’s own late-stage cancer. After reading your blog, I thought this book might be of interest to you, and I would love to send you a copy for review or discussion on your website. Please feel free to contact me at anna@authorsontheweb.com for more information.
    Best wishes,
    Anna Jarzab

  39. Jill Asher says:

    Just wanted to let you know that I am thinking of you.

    Take care of yourself…..


  40. ella says:

    I’m thinking of you WhyMommy and hoping today brought some relief and some good answers.

  41. Jenny says:

    I’m hoping you found some answers as to what is going on with you today and that chemo wasn’t more than expected bad. Thinking of you…

  42. Just checking back in to see how you are. Hope you got some relief at the doctors today.

  43. Tara-Lynn says:

    Hang in there….hope you are feeling better soon.

  44. KillerBoob says:

    Wow. WhyMommy. I am going to be up all night with bated breath just waiting to hear some news from you. You must be scared, and rightfully so. I remember just having an inexplicable fever and I’d get scared jsut because I didn’t know waht was going on with my body!

    Here’s hoping that tomorrow you will know more. Hang in there tonight. The hours will pass and the appointment will come. And this too shall pass.

    a great big sincere hug. KB

  45. Joanna says:

    Good grief, how frustration. Any progress today? Any word from your doctor about it? I hope you are on the mend. You have the best attitude, ever!

  46. Colleen says:

    You are going through this so amazingly. I am in awe of your positive attitude. So wonderful to keep the thoughts in mind of all of your blessings rather than get weighed down by the negative. Hold on to that as you continue to fight.

  47. […] weeks ago yesterday, I was hurting badly from a sudden onset of neuropathy that caused me to lose all feeling in and most of the control over my legs.  I was worried about […]

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