I didn’t think I’d still be this sick. I’m not entirely sure what I thought, actually, when I got the news Christmas Eve that I *am* a candidate for surgery and will be having a mastectomy soon. At the time, I still had chemo to do and to get through. I had to meet with oncologists, absorb the results of the latest MRI, change my diet, and get ready mentally for this big, um, adjustment, and removal of body part(s).
I thought that the postponement of the surgery (from the 8th to the 22nd) would give me a chance to get used to my new diet, force exercise, and get strong before my surgery. If I could only get myself in good shape, maybe it would be easier to recover. If I could strengthen the muscles in my chest, it would be easier for them (me) to bounce back after all the breast tissue, ducts, lobules, and lymph nodes are removed. If I could get the house spotless and organized, it might stay that way while I recover (or at least be easier for my/his parents to care for us). If I could stockpile activities and crafts for my little ones, we could enjoy the recovery more. If I could get my oldest safely esconced in preschool, he would have a safe place to go, a cancer-free zone, a couple times a week, and it would be easier for him. If I could help my youngest learn to walk, he would be happier since I won’t be able to pick him up for nearly 6 weeks. If I could …
Control it. I think I thought I could take charge of this time and have the surgery go just the way I wanted. But, despite a wonderful day yesterday (Widget preschooled successfully, I went back to yoga, Little Bear was his delightful self), and an even better one today (can you say FOUR hour playdate? Oh, it was wonderful. We even took the kids for a hike in the woods!), I’m not really all better yet.
I’ve been getting in daily exercise. I’ve been doing my own chores. I’ve even gone out with friends and made a Target run. I’ve not been slacking … but today, after playdate and making lunch and putting the boys down for naps, I just collapsed. I was soooooooooo tired.
And I forget that I’m just 2 weeks out from my last chemo treatment. I suppose I shouldn’t be ALL better yet. But I sure would like to be. I want to be strong again.
That’s today’s reason for looking forward to surgery:
– Because I want to feel strong again. That means getting rid of the cancer, the tumor, and the breast, and getting back to life.