Although I slept until nearly 4 p.m. Thursday and felt very tired even after that, I’m starting to feel a little better now. I was able to drive my oldest child to preschool on Friday and pick him up, just another mom in the line of minivans (thank goodness for automatic doors, and kids who climb into their own carseats). I spent time in the beautiful backyard with my kids, with the help of my Dad and a well-placed hammock. I even was able to swing my littlest one on my lap, gently, singing our swinging song. With each push off the ground, I began to feel better. More tired, definitely, but better. Oh how I wish to go up in the swing, up in the air so blue … Oh, I do think it the pleasantest thing … ever a child can do!
I can see the end of my treatment now. 5 more days. Then perhaps 2 more days of the original treatment, but I can’t imagine how, now, with my entire chest an angry red and peeling, hurting through the layers of steroid creme (after the new doctor yesterday said, “Well, that’s a serious burn,” he prescribed me something that takes away the surface pain, after the initial sting) that we could possibly add more insult to this injury. But if the docs say it must be so, to keep the cancer from coming back, then it must be so.
There is so much trust involved here, with the treatment of a serious disease, but also so much second-guessing and looking out for oneself. And most of all, knowing yourself and what your own body can take. That’s been a big surprise to me. As hard as this year has been, and as awful, I am coming out the end of it with my spirit (mostly) intact, with my outlook better some days and worse the others, and with the knowledge beyond any doubt that there is good in the world.
And so, this weekend, I will try to get out of bed and leave the house, to do something fun with my children beyond these walls, while their Daddy is here to help. Up on the hills and over the walls, till I can see so wide … rivers and trees and castles and all … over the countryside!