For you

Dear boys,

I know it doesn’t seem like Mommy is a lot of fun right now, but I want you (your future selves) to know that I’m doing my best.  I’m sleeping every moment I’m not with you, and when I am with you, I am 100% yours.  You have my full attention, and of course, all my love.

You bring me such joy in every little thing you do.  Your chuckles, your giggles, the way you slap broccoli in your hair (Little Bear) or tickle your brother (Widget).  The way you run across the yard (Widget) or crawl towards your favorite ball (Bear).  The way you both wrap your chubby little arms around my neck and hug me, squealing (Bear) or with a soft “love you, Mommy” (Widget).

These moments are the moments that I live for.  The moments that distract me from the pain of the radiation burns, the stiffness of my arm, the exhaustion that I’m feeling at the end of all this treatment.  The moments that I see when I close my eyes on the radiation table, waiting to be seared.  The moments that I remember as I cuddle you close at night and help you go to sleep, often falling asleep myself.

I tell you as often as I can, but just in case your three-year-old and one-year-old selves don’t remember my whispers as you grow up, I want you to know that this is what I think about these days.  You are what I think about these days.  You are the reason that I’m doing this treatment and working as hard as I can to get better, so that I can be your mama for a long time to come.  Because I love you.

Each day, these moments remind me to be grateful for one more day with you boys and your Daddy.

Love,
Mommy

23 Responses to For you

  1. Amy says:

    Hugs.

    They know you’re doing your best.

  2. Mary Beth says:

    This is such a beautiful post. I hope that you get stronger each day.

  3. You just keep doing what you’re doing, Whymommy… You’re clearly doing a wonderful job.

    We love you– xo CGF

  4. amanda says:

    Their understanding of spirit and tenacity will forever be colored by the strength of their mommy.

  5. Judy says:

    The reason we keep going. Sending you strength.

  6. Ally says:

    This was beautiful. And something your boys will treasure when they’re older.

  7. what amanda said. xoxo

  8. I wish that I could hug you…your words are so beautiful.

  9. catnip35 says:

    That made me want to go wake up my boy and kiss and snuggle him. You sound strong today, I hope you feel it.

  10. Meredith says:

    You are so strong. Such a good Mommy.

  11. Kat says:

    This took my breath away and gave me sweet chills at the same time.

    Beautifully written and straight from your heart.

    Hugs!
    Kat

  12. Kat says:

    This took my breath away and gave me sweet chills at the same time.

    Beautifully written and straight from your heart.

    Hugs!
    Kat

  13. Photochick says:

    Good for you!!! I know this is a really, REALLY hard time you’re going though, but it’s so good that you’re writing letters to your children! I think it’s so important to write notes to our kids – they’ll really cherish them someday.

    I’ve been so fortunate to not have any life-threatening, devastating health issues. But what’s to say that I won’t be killed in a car crash tomorrow? I want my daughter to know in every way how much I love her right now.

    Even though I’m sure your boys already know how much you love them, it’s awesome that you’ll have something for them for always. A letter from a mommy is a promise of love on paper. You’re such a wonderful, wonderful mother!

    And this is my promise to you…
    When you’re down, I’ll pick you up!
    When you’re sad I’ll do whatever I can to make you happy!
    When you hurt, my heart hurts for you… And I’ll pray for God to help take the pain away!
    When you’re weak (even when your words are strong & brave), I’ll pray for strength for you!
    When you feel all alone, I’ll still be here for you!

    Much love, prayers, and God Bless.

  14. Krishawn says:

    Beautiful letter. We should all take the time to write one to our babies. There are no guarantees for any of us.

    Sending your tender skin healing vibes so you can get back into a normal routine and chase away the blues.

  15. Noregrets says:

    Hi – sorry I don’t visit as often…got my own crap these days. The hard times are often the after times. But obviously you are strong, in part because you can be weak sometimes. Hang in there…

  16. Keep up the good fight my friend and know that I understand perfectly. I love the idea of writing to your boys on your blog, perhaps I may do something similar? Anyway sweetheart I know it is hard but you will get through this and you are already winning because you know what is important and you are appreciating it right now, every moment that you can. Love and healing to you, your friend in suffering, Jen B. xxx

  17. deb says:

    Just lovely. I have some letters like this that I wrote when my kids where little and I read them now and it warms my heart.

  18. Juanita says:

    They know your fierce your love for them is, always know that.

    I’ve been lurking, reading, sharing in your blog for so long…I always felt like an intruder, in a way, so here I am, saying hello. I just needed to tell you what an inspiration you are, to so many. I know you’ve heard all this a million times, but to me, you are someone I think of when my own life becomes a challenge, when I need something to keep me going. If she can be so amazing, I can at least keep going…I live in NS, Canada, and am Mama to an amazingly bright and intuitive almost-4, OMG, year old little girl. My dad has just been re-diagnosed with prostate cancer, and my mom-in-law, who is such a huge part of my world, has invasive ductal breast cancer, and has just been told she is now primarily a palliative case. I derive strength from you when dealing with the cancer in my life. Thank you.

  19. juliepippert says:

    Amazing letter. (you)

    (Did you get an email from me recently?)

  20. Meg says:

    Thank you, thank you, thank you, for your witness through this ordeal.

    I have 2 year old twins (boy/girl). I have breast cancer (invasive ductal), early stage. I am on Day 20 of my radiation treatments. I am so weary. I found your blog a few weeks ago at a down time for me and am now a big-time lurker. Your blog lifts me up, speaks to me, breaks my heart, all at once — it makes this cancer/mommy journey seem not so lonely.

    Thank you, thank you, thank you, again.

    Meg

  21. canape says:

    You have some very lucky boys. They are lucky to have you to call “Mommy.”

  22. Kyla says:

    Just beautiful. Keep thinking of those sweet, sweet boys of yours.

  23. Bubba's Sis says:

    Beautiful. Keep this forever for them.

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