I know it doesn’t seem like Mommy is a lot of fun right now, but I want you (your future selves) to know that I’m doing my best. I’m sleeping every moment I’m not with you, and when I am with you, I am 100% yours. You have my full attention, and of course, all my love.
You bring me such joy in every little thing you do. Your chuckles, your giggles, the way you slap broccoli in your hair (Little Bear) or tickle your brother (Widget). The way you run across the yard (Widget) or crawl towards your favorite ball (Bear). The way you both wrap your chubby little arms around my neck and hug me, squealing (Bear) or with a soft “love you, Mommy” (Widget).
These moments are the moments that I live for. The moments that distract me from the pain of the radiation burns, the stiffness of my arm, the exhaustion that I’m feeling at the end of all this treatment. The moments that I see when I close my eyes on the radiation table, waiting to be seared. The moments that I remember as I cuddle you close at night and help you go to sleep, often falling asleep myself.
I tell you as often as I can, but just in case your three-year-old and one-year-old selves don’t remember my whispers as you grow up, I want you to know that this is what I think about these days. You are what I think about these days. You are the reason that I’m doing this treatment and working as hard as I can to get better, so that I can be your mama for a long time to come. Because I love you.
Each day, these moments remind me to be grateful for one more day with you boys and your Daddy.