Clutching my scans

Tonight will be a long night. After a routine doctor’s appointment on Friday, I was sent for my first post-treatment bone scans, early, to check if this pain in my ribs might be due to metastasis instead of simple misadjustment or weakness from the radiation. I know that metastasis isn’t the end of the world (I have so many friends here who are proving otherwise), but, I have to admit, it still scares the bejeebus out of me. I’m not ready for mets. I’m not ready to go back to chemo, to go into “treasure every moment mode,” to polish up my will and consider end-of-life issues.

I know in my heart that the things I fear could happen any day. That any of us could be hit by a bus (did I ever tell you about the week that I was — twice?), be injured, and need the same Living Will, Advance Directive, Will, and family love letters prepared and stashed away in the drawer. That each day is a gift, and I keep reminding myself of that. But I was still not ready to hear those words: “We need to check for metastasis.”

I’ve had the bone scan now. My little family and I drove up to Frederick for an available machine today (our local centers were closed because of the water restrictions) and I have the printed scan in a folder here beside me. It’s a large printout, x-ray style, of my skeleton, with some bits darker than others, and it’s a guessing game whether those bits are early arthritis (runs in my family), normal darker bits, or metastasis. I’ve put it away now, and made my appointment for tomorrow, when hopefully the results will be ready and I will find out what exactly is in my future — a summer of relaxation, playdates, writing, and BlogHer? Or another hot summer in a cold chemo ward and then tucked away in the back bedroom, resting?

I know in my heart that either answer will be okay. That I will fight to the end for more time with my baby boys. I just really wish it didn’t have to be so soon.

Crossposted at Mothers With Cancer.

57 Responses to Clutching my scans

  1. Tracy says:

    I’ve got my fingers crossed that everything is normal.

    And I hope you are able to get some sleep.

  2. Yvie says:

    I’m praying for the same too. 🙂 I hope it all goes well in your side.

    My prayers here are for you.



  3. clifford says:

    Chin up, trooper. For you both liveth near a Cheesecake Factory and there is a Plan with you in it. I vote summer of relaxation and playdates.

  4. Susie says:

    May your summer be filled with dripping popsicles and sticky toddler faces on sunny afternoons, no matter what the scans say.

  5. Stimey says:

    I’ve been thinking of you all day. I’ll do the same tomorrow. All my love to you.

    (Um. Hit twice by a bus in one week? What are you–the cat with 9 lives? The way I’m counting, you have at least 5 or 6 lives left.)

  6. Dawn says:

    I don’t know how you can do this. I truly don’t. I’m glad you blog about it, though, and I’ll be thinking of you tomorrow – as I often do.

  7. MamaGeek says:

    Prayers and thoughts are on their way. Then again, they always have been.

  8. Becki says:

    Thinking of you and praying for good things, ready to hear whatever you need or want to talk about.

  9. thinking about you, keeping my fingers crossed.

  10. thordora says:

    you’re in my thoughts.

  11. Amy says:

    Hang in there. 🙂

  12. Suze says:

    Please know that your wait is being shared by people around the world, who haven’t met you, who may have only commented once or twice but who still check in on you pretty much daily.

    If you’re up for it, hearing about being hit by a bus twice in one week does sound like a good story!

  13. Donna4k says:

    A lot of people are pulling for you.There should be a rule about waiting for results(the Endless. Dreading. Just. Bites.)….wishing the time goes by and the news is good.

  14. Christy says:

    I know that you are clutching your hope even tighter than you are clutching your scans.

    So are we. Try to get some rest tonight.

  15. Nancy says:

    All my thoughts and prayers are with you right now, my friend.

  16. Beth says:

    Wishing a bright summer for you …

  17. I am hoping with all my heart that you have a carefree summer ahead of you, but know that whatever the outcome, you will have support from all of us.

    Good luck and hugs to you.

  18. De in D.C. says:

    I’ll be thinking good thoughts for you. Your little boys are lucky to have a mom who’s such a trooper and not a quitter.

  19. m says:

    Thinking of you and hoping and crossing all my fingers and toes. Stay strong. You are awesome.

  20. Always with you in my heart, WM.

    Sending you love and strength, and praying hard!

    xoxo CGF and Girlies 3

  21. Jyber says:

    Susan, I have never met you, but been anxiously checking throughout the day for news. I am glad you were able to get the scans done today and am hoping that you will get good news on the results tomorrow.

    I hope you will have cause for joy and celebration when this is behind you.

    I do believe that joy shared is multiplied and sorrow shared is divided. Whichever way it goes tomorrow, you have legions of supporters with you, emotionally if not physically.

    Wishing you WELL,

  22. canape says:

    Dude. You’re going to BlogHer. I can’t promise rest and relaxation, but you are going to BlogHer. Or else we are canceling it.

    Momma bought her ticket last week. Just to come hear you speak. But no pressure 😉

    I’ve never hoped that one of my friends had arthritis before . . .

  23. whymommy says:

    Thanks, everyone — this is so totally helping.

    Know what made me smile tonight? This.

    You’ve all been so wonderful. I can’t wait to get over this hump, and start looking forward to BlogHer and a summer of sticky smiles.

  24. my heart is so full for you.

  25. You have been in my thoughts. Sending prayers. Big ones.

  26. Like many others, I have been checking throughout the day for updates and I am keeping you in my thoughts and prayers – both of those for a sunny, happy summer filled with BlogHer, playdates, and sunshine. You are amazing!

  27. flutter says:

    I am thinking of you.

  28. Julie says:

    I am in awe of you and your strength. Good luck tomorrow.

  29. BetteJo says:

    Good news, good news, good news … my wish for you running through my head. Good news, good news …

    If I had read this earlier in the day I would have said – sounds like a really good night for a cuddle with kids and ice cream!

  30. momma knows says:

    Prayed for you lastnight, thought about you today…repeating tonight.

  31. imstell says:

    Those damn scans… I remember my first PET… I called my bff from the side of the road where I was freaking out from all the white on the scans. I was sure it was everywhere. Poor thing had to get on the internet right then & there, look up PETs and talk me down. Moral of the story: don’t borrow trouble (and take an Ambien before bed).

    Lots of positive thoughts heading your way from Cali. Besides, you have to go to Blogher… at least there’s a chance of us getting together on this side of the country.

  32. Kat says:

    I’m dealing with another scare myself and the waiting is the hardest part. But I WILL NOT FEAR. Knowing God holds me (and you) in His righteous right hand is such a comfort. I’m praying for you.


  33. Karen says:

    We are praying for you, praying for good news, and we hope you are able to get some rest tonight.

  34. I am thinking of you.

  35. throwslikeagirl74 says:

    *sending good scan vibes* 🙂

  36. maryelena says:

    Like everyone else I’ve been thinking and praying for a carefree summer for you. The prayers continue.

  37. clairej says:

    Often the waiting is much, much worse than the answer.
    It’s morning here and it will be soon for you, too. Hopefully it’s a sunny day – in all sorts or ways.

  38. Alice C says:

    Just to let you know that I am thinking of you.

  39. Robin says:

    Holding you close in my heart and thinking good healthy thoughts.

  40. Still thinking! Still praying!

    Much love, CGF xoxo

  41. Juanita says:

    You are indeed a warrior, one who will prevail in this battle, no matter what those scans say. You have all become very dear to my heart.

  42. Aileen says:

    Haven’t checked your blog in a while, and came today and found this post. I said a little prayer for you and your family. And I’ll check back later today. Peace to you.

  43. Lauren says:

    I was thinking about you while I was walking into work this morning and praying for you that you get good news.

  44. Praying for good news.

  45. Megan says:

    I check on you daily, even though I comment rarely. Today I think it’s time to send some good karma your direction. Much love and many prayers are heading your way.

  46. robbinlynn says:

    I pray that you have more time with your boys every single day.

  47. spacemom says:

    I am hoping the scans are clean. I would not know how to read them

  48. jenn says:

    Praying, praying, praying for good news for you.

  49. Heather says:

    You are in my thoughts and prayers. I really hope there is no mets to be seen.

  50. Binky says:

    Hoping and praying for the best, and for a happy playdate summer.

  51. Matt says:

    Just another person who is thinking of you and wishing you the best. Peace.

  52. Mama Maven says:

    Sending you thoughts and prayers for positive news today at the doctor!

  53. Jenny Harmon says:

    It must be horrible to have to wait like that. I’m praying for you!

  54. imstell says:

    Tapping my monitor, peering deep into it’s pixels, muttering “Hellooooo… Anything? Any news?”

    Sending lots and lots of “overly cautious doctor” vibes to you and WonderDaddy.

  55. Gill says:

    Wishing you a long, happy, carefree Summer. {{hugs}}

  56. Kristin says:

    You are in my thoughts and prayers. Still.

  57. Jacquie says:

    You kicked cancer a** once, I don’t think it would come back for another stomping.

    If it does well stupid cancer!

    Thinking of you.

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