Wondering

Wondering when all of this talk about being sick will end?

Me too.

I’m wondering when all of this being sick will end.

Wondering why the oopherectomy took away the urgent acute stabbing pain but not the pain I’ve been living with.

Wondering why I’ve reached the end of the road on that, and why the only answer now is pain control.

Wondering if maybe it’s a hidden cancer.  One I don’t know anything about, and one that no one is looking for.

Wondering if the bruises on my hip bone (and the patches on my lung) that they found last weekend mean metastasis.

Wondering how my life will change.

Wondering what to do NOW, TODAY, to be sure that I make the most out of every minute.  If I go back to the hospital or to chemo is it most important to be sure that everyone has clean laundry?  That the house is picked up or dust free?  That the kids are happy and entertained (if disorganized)?  That I hug them and kiss them and snuggle them while we watch TV and try to gain some strength?

That my work is done?

That my work over here is done, and the site is self-sustaining? Just in case?

That the babies’ scrapbooks are done, and done with a loving hand for them to remember me by?

That I teach them to enjoy the beauty of nature, and find solace in it?

That I help them celebrate milestones and joy while I am here?

That I get rest to let my body heal?

That I find some way to make this instant menopause become more manageable, and myself less moody and anxious?

I don’t know the answers, but I suspect it’s some combination, as it always is, of “all of the above.”  Must the right answer always be “all of the above?”

29 Responses to Wondering

  1. canape says:

    I think it’s important to keep living and being you. All of those things you’ve listed have a place.

    Thinking of you always.

  2. Erika Jurney says:

    Sending you loving thoughts. xoxoxo.

  3. Margaret R. says:

    As someone who’s, some months, awfully close to the kind of menopause that sneaks up on all women eventually, I think it’s very possible that some of this wondering you’re doing is tied to your recent surgery. On the cycles when I can tell that nautre has turned over all the beakers in the chemistry lab that is my 46-year-old body, I’m worried and anxious and restless and overwhelmed, too.

    I know some of the wondering is related to the uncertainty and pain you’ve been living with for nearly 15 months, of course, but it might help you to think of at least some of it as a side effect of the surgery– in which case a little distraction might be in order. Can you give yourself permission to take something for the pain and settle in with a DVD starring George Clooney?

  4. amandalinn says:

    hmmmm I was gonna vote for hugs, kisses, snuggles and some picture books. But Clooney is sounding pretty good.

    No matter what happens, you can’t beat snuggles, though.

    My thoughts are with you. Take it easy…

  5. Rosina says:

    You are remarkable and inspirational….

  6. Please know my thoughts are with you;
    concentrate on hugs and rest🙂
    You have the rest of your life to do all the other stuff.
    God Bless.

  7. Sarah says:

    love to read your posts; yo’ure a fighter – and it’s very inspiring. well wishes, warm thoughts headed your way.

  8. Leann I Am says:

    This is just so real. To be able to see a glimpse of what’s running through your head. The knot in my stomach I feel pales in comparison to my urge to get up and do something important with my life. Like, TODAY.

    Truth is, nobody knows when they’re out of time. I want to thank you for the wake-up call and I hope you just follow your heart. Your children won’t remember the condition of the house or how much work you were able to accomplish when you were sick. They will remember the stories and cuddles, though.

    Thinking of you…

  9. Linda Lawrence says:

    We love you! Thank you for sharing your thoughts! The photo is great! You are in our thoughts and prayers.

    🙂 🙂 🙂

  10. magpie says:

    I’m sorry that you’re going through this shit.

  11. Sara says:

    Oh Susan….I’m keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. I love reading your journal/blog(sometimes “blog” seems like such a silly word when it comes to a person writing or sharing about their life, children, etc…I like to say Journal/Life Journeys or something along those lines) Anyway, you are such an amazing writer!! You write straight from your heart….and everything you say is SO TRUE!!! It makes me do a reality-check with my own life….I think, as you already know, you are very inspirational to many many people.

    Love the picture of your little snackster under the table….my little boy has the same dino socks…and my little 2 yr.old girl does the same thing..she loves to bring me all sorts of snacks from the pantry and she says them so cute..I can’t say no🙂

    As for the “all of the above” answer…yes….those were always the tricky questions I remember when taking exams in college. It seems like it was either “B” or “C”…or “all of the above” But love, snuggles, hugs, and kisses will surely get you an A+ on any exam in life :-)…and that is what matters most!

    Thinking of you.

  12. My heart is anxious for you…and my prayers will continue.

    Keep hugging and loving because every moment is so precious.

  13. Sandheaps says:

    In my experience with ovarian cysts, the abdominal muscles can also become tightened up or even cramped in tension, causing a hard-to-pinpoint pain/ache through the lower abdomen that continues even after the cyst is gone. Some gentle stretching and release moves of the psoas and other muscles have helped, as do warm baths and walks. Hoping you find more relief and answers soon.

  14. Becky says:

    Multiple choice questions with essay answers…or essay questions with only multiple choice answers available…keep living, keep being you.
    We here at Beagle Camp are thinking of you, sending positive thoughts your way

  15. Amelie says:

    I’m sorry, Susan. I admire you for being so honest here, when this must be so very hard, the wondering and worrying. I’m sending many good thoughts your way, and I hope that there is nothing lurking behind the pain — it is bad enough by itself. Take care.

  16. Bon says:

    it’s got to be exhausting, like a constant and ongoing endurance run…not only riding the physical pain but the emotional insecurity of not knowing, not being sure.

    i am sorry we don’t have any answers for you. i do think laying the questions out honestly is good…or i hope it is, for you. for us, it helps us feel real, connected. but it’s for you that it matters.

    i too hope there is nothing lurking, that you get to rest and enjoy living for a bit, without the cloud hanging.

  17. deb says:

    I would think the same way, fearful of more betrayals by my own body, wondering when the other shoe will drop, as my mother puts it. Waiting for more bad things and trying to enjoy the good things that I have right now.

    I can imagine how I would feel but only you are going through it. Take care of yourself and I’m sending good thoughts, prayers and hugs.

  18. patriciaspage says:

    My fingers are crossed for you, that the outcome of recent tests do not indicate further cancer. It is a dreadful seesaw, wondering which way it will go. The house & dust will always be there but you and your kids won’t – and by that I mean your children are growing fast and those moments when they are little go like *poof*. No matter what goes on in your life, write them little notes about the daily things; what you guys did, what you thought, what they said…. I did that for my two when they were little and already (they are 14 and 15) they appreciate and absolutely love looking back at what they were like. Now I try to write them notes that they can take out and read later on in life, in case they hit circumstances or a time when I can’t be there to help or advise them.

  19. Donna4k says:

    Thinking of you… I was wondering if something was wrong just by your writing. Remember how many of us are pulling for you! I hope and pray you do not have mets. Cancer does.suck.so.so.much. Try to get some rest, and try not to pick up worries until you need to. (by the way… dust comes in dead last every time) Give you little snacker a hug from me.

  20. MummyCha says:

    Sorry to hear that circumstances prevent you from reaching some peace of mind. I greatly hope the recent tests will be cancer negative. Regarding the ongoing pain, there may be some hope in alternative medicine. I have friends who resort to acupuncture for all sorts of problems including acute pain. Just a suggestion.
    Best Wishes

  21. NYfriend says:

    As the others have said – hugs, kisses and snuggles are sure answers. 🙂 But you already know that your family is most important. You demonstrate that all the time. You also give us all the gift of a reality check – what is important to us, what is *really* important. Let go of the rest if it’s causing grief. You can’t live your life everyday wondering if it will be your last, but you can try to live your life everyday true to what’s important to you. 🙂

    Big hugs🙂

  22. Bubba's Sis says:

    I’m praying for you every day. God will get you thru all this – and at night when you lie awake wondering all these things, just give them to Him. He’s going to be up all night anyway. Sending big (gentle) hugs your way from Texas…

  23. I (too) send you my love and most hopeful wishes.

  24. Randi says:

    I’m so sorry about all of the “not knowing” – I think that it’s worse than the knowing, in a way, even if the knowing is a bad situation. I can’t say anything about the things found, but I can remark on the pain – a year ago I had an ectopic pregnancy, and the tube and everything on the left side were removed. On the right, however, they just clamped it – ever since then I have had an on and off pain…for the first six weeks after the surgery, it hurt CONSTANTLY, and now it only hurts once in awhile. My doctor said it was due to swelling, and ibuprophen actually does help to take the pain away there in a way that painkillers don’t.

    Wishing and praying for only the best…

  25. Ally says:

    Susan, I’m thinking of you and sending my thoughts and prayers to you. There are so many questions and not nearly enough answers, it seems. But I think you are wise to ask the questions you do, to constantly try to reprioritize and live you life in alignment with your values. I love that about you.

  26. Hi Whymommy,

    I’m the Product Management Intern at Trusera, a Seattle-based network of people sharing real-world health experiences.

    We’re currently focusing on building a breast cancer community and are looking to recruit bloggers to assist us.

    I’m extremely interested in adding you to the mix. I’ve read through your blog and really think you can add a lot of helpful information to the Trusera site. The stories you’ve shared about your personal experiences with breast cancer are very interesting and informative, and would surely benefit others with similar issues. I thought your stories from about raising a family while undergoing treatment for inflammatory breast cancer were extremely well written and compelling and we would love for you to write for our website! We are certainly prepared to pay you for your time.

    If you’re interested please contact me at watson@trusera.com and I’ll gladly explain the details of the program to you.

    If you’d like to check out Trusera,
    our website is http://www.trusera.com

    Take care,

    Elliot Watson

  27. imstell says:

    Susan, I am so thinking of you and yours. As for “daily living” advice, I am not qualified to give it. All I know is this: to this day I am enthralled by anything written by my father’s own hand, and I would give ANYTHING to be held on his lap and have my back rubbed just one more time.

  28. […] been waiting for some test results — a few of you noticed when I slipped in the words “bone bruises” and “patches on my lung” when we were talking about the oopherectomy a couple weeks ago — and it took a REALLY LONG […]

%d bloggers like this: