Wondering when all of this talk about being sick will end?
I’m wondering when all of this being sick will end.
Wondering why the oopherectomy took away the urgent acute stabbing pain but not the pain I’ve been living with.
Wondering why I’ve reached the end of the road on that, and why the only answer now is pain control.
Wondering if maybe it’s a hidden cancer. One I don’t know anything about, and one that no one is looking for.
Wondering if the bruises on my hip bone (and the patches on my lung) that they found last weekend mean metastasis.
Wondering how my life will change.
Wondering what to do NOW, TODAY, to be sure that I make the most out of every minute. If I go back to the hospital or to chemo is it most important to be sure that everyone has clean laundry? That the house is picked up or dust free? That the kids are happy and entertained (if disorganized)? That I hug them and kiss them and snuggle them while we watch TV and try to gain some strength?
That my work is done?
That my work over here is done, and the site is self-sustaining? Just in case?
That the babies’ scrapbooks are done, and done with a loving hand for them to remember me by?
That I teach them to enjoy the beauty of nature, and find solace in it?
That I help them celebrate milestones and joy while I am here?
That I get rest to let my body heal?
That I find some way to make this instant menopause become more manageable, and myself less moody and anxious?
I don’t know the answers, but I suspect it’s some combination, as it always is, of “all of the above.” Must the right answer always be “all of the above?”