Not ready

I thought I was ready to go back out in the world.

Not as a cancer patient.

Not as an object of pity or solicitude.

Just a mom, out with her friends at night.

But, as it turns out, I am not fully healed.

The mention of death (in the book we’d just read) made me flinch.

The fact that the man didn’t want to live anymore made me angry.

The comment i wonder where we’ll all be in 50 years made me — unjustifiably — unbelievably sad.

For, truthfully, I will not be the only one dead by then.

Not all of us make it to 85.

But I?  I have less than even odds that I’ll make it to 40.

So I made a lame (if true) excuse and left the bright lights of the fancy cafe

To come home and snuggle with my children and put them to bed

Kiss my husband and

Say thank you for loving me anyway.


21 Responses to Not ready

  1. None of us know what the future holds, cancer or no cancer. What is important is that we live our lives with purpose, each and every day. You do that. You are an inspiration. You have every right to be sad and angry at times, but you have done so much to be proud of in your life. And with every day, scientific innovation, and bit of love that is sent your way, there is more and more of a chance that you’ll beat this thing into submission permanently.

    You are totally awesome.

  2. Robin says:

    I wish you didn’t have to be aware of how fragile life is. I wish I could give you back a sense of naive optimism.

    You take any time you need my friend. There are no rules on this one.


  3. Alice C says:

    Your post reminded me of a situation that I faced a long, long time ago. I too thought that I was ready to go out into the world and discovered that I was not fully prepared. It was an exceptionally painful moment of great sadness that has always remained with me.

    However, I moved on and lived my life. Each day to the full. That is all that any of us can do.

  4. Lisa says:

    Hugs. I can’t even begin to feel all that you do, but I know that I don’t deal well with those discussions either. I just try to do my best and live each day the best I know how and try to keep my fears behind me, and read books that make me laugh ;).

  5. Ally says:

    Susan, this post made me cry, for all of the grief and loss that you are still suffering, the endless not knowing that everyone goes through, but especially those with cancer diagnoses. You are so smart to trust your own feelings in these situations, and this time, to run home to those with whom you feel so safe and loved.

  6. It’s just going to take some time.

  7. Oh, sweetie… I’ve been away for awhile (again), but I just wanted you to know…

    I love you, too.

    xo CGF

  8. A friendly passerby says:

    I’ve been reading your blog for awhile now. Cheering you on from afar as it were. This post brought me in close. I had a melanoma removed from my arm last September. It was relatively small, hadn’t spread, nothing in the margins–all was/is good. It has seriously taken me till now to feel almost like my old self. Physically I was almost fully back in three months–they took a lot of muscle to be safe, but emotionally…ah there’s the crux!

    Now, this was no where near the experience you’ve had in any shape or from, but it rocked my world. And from a year’s distance I can see how I rushed myself to put it behind me. How I didn’t truly acknowledge how big it was. Be patient with yourself. Know that you WON’T ever be your pre-cancer self. Know that that is okay–you’re still you and you’re still here, and that’s what counts!

    Hope this helps just a little…

  9. clmama says:

    Oh Susan. this is poignant. I am sorry you had a tough night. This poem sums it up. Thinking of you with all the strength in the world…

  10. Stimey says:

    Hey, you. I don’t think any of us see you as an object of pity. I think we see you as an incredibly strong, vibrant woman who went through a really hard, life altering experience. We love you and want to be around you, hard emotions and all.

    I think it’s natural to feel this way. Let yourself. It’ll get better.

  11. elesha says:

    None of us have anymore than today cancer or no cancer just keep doing what your doing living each day and bf you know 40 will have come and gone.

  12. Kim McNaughton says:

    Hi Susan, I was just reading a blog that I follow that has alarmed me a little. This mother is nursing a baby and concerned about some symptoms she is experiencing. It’s probably nothing but I think if I do nothing and it is I would regret it forever. This is what she describes – “my right boop is on fire! The latch is like a thousand tiny razors, or like the first weeks of nursing. And when I’m not nursing, the shooting pains, the burn inside…OY! I am Very Aware of my right boop/nip almost all the time. And then there are the weird teeny-tiny clusters of…I don’t know how to explain them. Blisters? Except not…blistery.”
    Maybe it is just mastitis? But maybe not… I can give you her Blog – so you can read or post a comment.

  13. whymommy says:

    Hey Kim, I know Liz … I even participated in her baby shower! She’s here a lot too, so hopefully she knows what to look for … but I’ll stop by anyway.

    It’s so good of you all to watch out for each other.

  14. justenjoyhim says:

    Oh honey, this post made me so sad, but it so resonated with me.

    I know . . . I know.

    For even if we don’t know the future, we’ve lost so much innocence, our lives seem so precarious compared to others. It’s just hard.

    Big *hugs* to you.

  15. deb says:

    Sending a hug.

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  18. Adam says:

    You just keeping moving, saying to yerself, “I’m not dead yet! I’m feeling much better.”

    What sort of statement is it when Monty P. always seems to have something helpful to say?

  19. marty says:

    Unlike Stimey, I pity you. I pity you because you didn’t get to have a piece of the apple pie I made this weekend.

    Other than that . . .

  20. I don’t think there is a bright line that separates “not ready” and “no problem”. It depends on the day, the mood, etc. I am glad you made your escape. I would have sat and pouted quietly.

  21. NoRegrets says:

    ‘loving you anyway’? sigh. they’ll love you forever.

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