On Monday

On Monday I go back to the oncologist, for my quarterly checkup and a consultation about all this pain in my back ribs.  My spine continues to rotate, as the bones and muscles are too weak to keep it in alignment, and I go to the PT weekly to have it readjusted and strengthened with exercises.  It is not enough.  Friday’s adjustments rarely last a weekend before the spine rotates again, causing me pain.  After waiting for an appointment for days, I went back to the PT yesterday and was in pain again/still last night, and more so today.  It is a struggle for me to walk around, to sit, to lie on my right side or my back.  It is not easy.

Only the love for my husband and baby boys is keeping me from screaming out “THIS IS HARD” and just disappearing into a world of pain pills.

But for my baby boys and my husband (who I rarely mention here out of concern for his privacy, but who is always in my thoughts), I will go on.  I will try.  I will stand up and walk, sit down and play trains, and cuddle them as much as they need me to.

I would do anything for these boys, and I will.

Edited: Sorry for complaining.  I would have deleted the whole entry, but my mom’s already read it, so oh well.  Monday will come soon enough.

Edited again to add: Ah, well.  Might as well let it stand.  It’s been trying to get out for a week, and there it is.  Week sucks.  But some good came of it.  See post from yesterday about the speech — and check out what happened when I posted the young mom’s dilemna over at Mothers With Cancer.  I’m so proud of those moms, rallying to another’s side, when they’ve never even met the woman.  I guess each of us can make a difference in someone’s life after all….


12 Responses to On Monday

  1. Stimey says:

    I’m so sorry. I wish you luck on Monday, and I hope you can get some help for the pain. It is hard. You are so strong to fight it like you do. And this is your space; I think you’re allowed to complain if you want to.

  2. Best of luck to you on Monday. It is really, really hard sometimes to not lay down in the suck and bellow, ”this is harrrrddd” all the time but sometimes, we just have to give ourselves a break and say, hey, dammit, this? IS HARD.

    I have ovarian/uterine/cervical cancer (a hat trick! a trifecta of cancery goodness /eyeroll), four kids to contend with and a husband who is gone all but 3-4 days a month. Most of the time, it really is okay and we get by but man sometimes (like losing my dad VERY suddenly last month), sometimes, it is just hard.

    Again, good luck on Monday, we will be thinking good thoughts for you.

  3. Monica says:

    Is a chiropractor an option? I always thought they were snake oil salesman until I went to one during my pregnancy and he made it so I could walk more than 4 feet at a time without doubling over in pain.

  4. Don’t ever EVER be sorry for complaining.

    I have been whining about being hot. Others are whining about being cold. You are in pain.

    Wish I could take your pain away for just one day.

  5. Kimberly says:

    I’ll be thinking of you Monday. I hope they can give you a better solution than the constant pain you are dealing with now.

    I think you’re amazing. xo

  6. Lisa says:

    I wish I could make the pain go away. I always used to tell my Dad that flying was all in the pixie dust, so hopefully we can find you the right kind of pixie dust to help out ;). You are in my prayers.

  7. mumma boo says:

    It’s been awhile since I commented, but you’re always in my thoughts. You’re an inspiration to many, on the good days and the bad days. Your speech to the Relay for Life volunteers was amazing. I’m sorry the pain is so bad. Good luck on Monday. I hope they can provide you some relief. Hugs and prayers to you…

  8. donna4k says:

    There has to be a better solution than enough pain pills to drop an elephant/ constipate you for a week.Keep persuing the help and relief you need. Pain bites…

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  10. deb says:

    You are allowed to complain, God knows I do it enough.

  11. NYfriend says:

    Wishing you some answers and good news tomorrow.

    BTW – this post did not come across as complaining. We all want to know how you are doing, how you *really* are doing. So thank you for being honest and not keeping this out of the light of day. 🙂

  12. Alice C says:

    When you are honest about the pain and the struggle of your life (alongside the joy and the daily triumphs) then you will give courage to the other survivors who feel that pain ot fear and wonder if it is just them. If you wrote only of feeling well and getting on with your life then they would feel that they were alone. Which is a frightening place to be.

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