There are moments of joy, even now, even while I work to strengthen my body and recover from all of this, while waiting for test results that could change my life. They come more often the further I am from the oncologists’ office, the place where it all comes rushing back to me, where I sit among patients and former patients alike, all wondering if today will be the day that we hear good news … or bad.
I’m trying to shift focus, both here and in my life, but I am struggling a bit. I don’t mind admitting it. It feels shameful, but I know in my heart it’s not. But it is selfish. It is selfish to waste time feeling sad about what may come when I still have healthy days now.
So, back to work. Back to writing my book for NASA, back to raising and mentoring my beautiful children, and back to trying to be a good friend and wife. I’ll get there, and this virtual space won’t be so gloomy. It just may take a while.