Changing gears

There are moments of joy, even now, even while I work to strengthen my body and recover from all of this, while waiting for test results that could change my life.  They come more often the further I am from the oncologists’ office, the place where it all comes rushing back to me, where I sit among patients and former patients alike, all wondering if today will be the day that we hear good news … or bad.

I’m trying to shift focus, both here and in my life, but I am struggling a bit.  I don’t mind admitting it. It feels shameful, but I know in my heart it’s not.  But it is selfish.  It is selfish to waste time feeling sad about what may come when I still have healthy days now.

So, back to work. Back to writing my book for NASA, back to raising and mentoring my beautiful children, and back to trying to be a good friend and wife.  I’ll get there, and this virtual space won’t be so gloomy.  It just may take a while.


12 Responses to Changing gears

  1. Sheri says:

    Does that mean that the PET results were good?

  2. Heather says:

    I think you’re downplaying what an incredible task that is to shift focus completely. Maybe it will never be possible entirely. Have you ever done any kind of art therapy or something that you could craft, sort of collage style to represent this long journey to health and wellness?

    Seriously…reading ‘writing a book for NASA’ and wow. That is beyond awesome. I still remember being awed by reading/discussing Failure is not an Option in my college history course.

  3. Linda Lawrence says:

    You should not think that what you feel is shameful or selfish! You are on a journey and the road has had many rough spots. You would not be human if you did not struggle a bit. Just as you are doing, enjoy the scenery.

    “On your feet daughter of Zion, be threshed of chaff, be refined of dross, I am remaking you into a people invincible.”
    Micah 4:13 (The Message)

  4. Margaret R. says:

    Our great American story is the tale of triumph over adversity, courage in the face of terrible danger, the ability to move beyond suffering, to make lemons of lemonade, all that. And it’s a good story, sometimes (as you’ve already proven) even a true story, but it’s not the only story. In other cultures, suffering itself is a kind of treasure, a path to wisdom, and there’s no shame or guilt in it. Even the Judeo-Christian traditions have a heaping helping of that understanding, though we Americans tend to skip over those parts.

    I wonder if the people around you, without even realizing it and certainly without meaning to, may be giving you the idea that your fear and your pain are an inconvenience to them, that it’s time for you to get over it already and LIVE! And your mind agrees. But your body and your heart are having a hard time cooperating because a huge, huge thing happened to you that hasn’t happened to any of those people, and is still happening to you even as you play with your children and write your book and plan, so tentatively, your future.

    But remember those other cultures and traditions where it’s not only OK to feel deeply what happened to you, but where that’s exactly what you’re *supposed* to do with suffering. And don’t feel selfish or guilty because of it. You’re amazing. There’s nothing selfish about you.

  5. Susan K says:

    Well, I was going to write something, but Margaret R said it all better than I could!

  6. Alice C says:

    It takes time to adjust to walking on the flat when you have been climbing mountains.

  7. niksmom says:

    To all these wiser (and certainly more eloquent) comments, I will simply add this:

    “Get on wit’ your bad self!” 🙂

  8. Becky says:

    maybe give yourself a break, WM – I mean, it’s life altering stuff to go through what you’ve been through. We are honored that you’ve chosen to take us along on this painful, uncertain, unnerving, courageous journey. We would worry if you did not express the depth of this experience. We support you, and you have NOTHING to feel guilty about. You are amazing.

  9. Sara says:

    This virtual space is not gloomy…..It’s YOU…and you are amazing!!! No guilt, No shame……you are honest and ‘real’ You are a wonderful writer….you could write a book…Oh wait, you already are…..for NASA!!! Hello???

    Take your time and just soak up every minute…..

    Thinking of you and praying for clear scans, tests, labs……always!

  10. You are amazing.

    This space will wait.

  11. I truly believe that all our emotions have a purpose. And when you have those sad or fearful days, you hang on and ride them. You can’t send them away – they will go when they are ready.

  12. JessicaAPISS says:

    Whatever you feel and want to share, I want to read. Positive, angry, reflective, gloomy, joyous…I love it all.

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