I’ve tried to write this post for several days now. I know you’re never supposed to *admit* that in blogging, but well, there it is. I just can’t decide how I feel about this. I’m hopeful and worried and terrified all at once. Is there a word for that?
Today’s the day. Today we go down to the hospital, walk into the chemo ward, have blood drawn, and start the clinical trial. I talked to the nurse working the study yesterday and confirmed that I was accepted into the clinical trial of Femara + Nexavar.
I’m torn about what to do next. Do you want to hear about what it’s like to be in a clinical trial? Do you want to hear about the importance of research, and how wonderful and scary and hopeful it is to be a guinea pig all of a sudden, and how weird it is to be on the other side of the microscope? I’ll write it if someone will read it, but I have to admit to you, I don’t have any idea what to expect.
Or sometimes how to even describe how I feel. The emotions bubble up, one after the other, so fast that as soon as I grasp one, it escapes into the air and another one flits by to take its place. Should I be this excited to be part of something so new and potentially life-saving? Should I be terrified to start a drug combination that has never been tested for breast cancer before? Can I even walk into the chemo ward calm and cool after all my days there, and all the emotion, and well, the *history* that you and I and it have together? Or can I put all of that aside, meditate and write (this) and pray and walk in there calmly, with my head held high, ready to take what may come?
I’m always honest with you, my friends, and the truth is, I don’t know what to expect. I don’t even know how I feel about it. But I do know that I have to *act* confident, and *act* ready, and *act* calm, so that everyone agrees that I can start the trial, so that my husband will go off to work afterwards (it’s important today), and so that my children will go to school calmly, self-assured, and ready, not even knowing
today’s the day.
My friend Jessica has done a wonderful thing – she had a rough interview with CNN last week and wasn’t happy with the results. So she went online and told her side of the story — what she thought she was being interviewed about, and what she wanted other parents to hear. In the process, she has shared some terrific lessons for others being interviewed, and I totally recommend you read it today while I’m at the hospital. Oh, and comment. To turn anger into goodness, she’s donating $1 per comment on that post to Crickett’s Answer for lymphedema sleeves. I love that Jess, don’t you?