Little Bear, worried about a field trip yesterday, “But Mama, I need you there in case there is something scary.”
You’ll be okay, Little Bear. Mama can’t go today, but your teacher will be there, and she will keep you safe.
Cuddled in my arms, he asked, “But what if there is something scary?”
Well, there will be, Little Bear, it’s the story of Passover, and Pharoah gets angry. He’s the bad guy, remember? But Moses wins. It’ll be okay, because Moses wins.
From deep in my arms, came a small, confident voice:
“Like Mama won over cancer.”
That’s right, Little Bear. And we cuddled and were strong together.
I haven’t talked about my cancer with them in months. But of course they know, since I’m still gaining strength and taking naps in the late afternoon, when the morning just isn’t enough, or when I’ve pushed myself to get work done. I’m stronger and stronger, but still not close to 100%.
And we have scans on Friday. I’m nervous, I’ll admit. But I want Little Bear’s words to be true, one more time.
I want to win over cancer. Again. And yes, I know that’s a selfish hope, to beat cancer a FOURTH time, but it’s selfish in protecting my children. They’re not ready for me to leave yet, and I am not ready to leave them to grow up in the world without their Mama.
Toddler Planet is written by 
Toddler Planet 
*hugs* It’s want we want too, selfish or not. I don’t care.
Susan–There is nothing selfish about hope. Sometimes that and faith are the only things that gets us through the day. I remember one night, when I was taking chemo, that I lay in bed having a mild panic attack. I couldn’t sleep, I was so scared. I finally had a talk with God. I told Him that I just couldn’t do this alone any more (I am the strong independent type). I needed him to take over. I felt a calm that I hadn’t felt in weeks. I slept so well that night and for many after that. You will be in my thoughts and prayers on Friday.
not selfish. even if it were, it is human, and hopeful, and good. but for them? to wish to be here for them? it is love, and the fairest wish in all the land.
i wish it for you with my whole heart. we all do.
(your scans are Friday. let me know if we can still meet and when works for you, and if you’d rather i came to you, i can, entirely.)
It’s never, ever selfish to wish to live long enough to see your own children grow old.
Here’s hoping for clean, clear scans on Friday.
Selfish or not.
It’s not a selfish thought. Cancer is the selfish invader that stole from your body.
Not selfish at all. And I’m hoping right along with you that the scans show you’ve won the battle again, and this time the war as well.
So overwhelmed with gratitude for this moment for you. Hold on tight to that.
I’m wishing for victory for you. For now. For always. For everyone.
Not selfish. Not even a little.
not selfish at all!!!!! Glad you are feeling better and enjoying life
Not selfish. Hopeful. Sending good thoughts and prayers your way.
Life is so much simpler when looking through the eyes of a child. Praying that Little Bear already has the insight that you won’t hear until after your scans on Friday. “Mama won over Cancer.” Again.
I agree; it’s not selfish at all. I want to live for my son and I want to see him grow up.
I want the same for you with your sons. That and so much more.
What sweet babies you have. Not selfish at all to wish for what’s best for them. It’s called being a mother.
When I walk through the valley, I will fear no evil for You are with me. Your rod and staff comfort me, 6 year olds and 30ish year olds, too.
Sending a heartful of prayers and good thoughts with you for your upcoming scans.
Selfish?! Not in the least! You gave Little Bear the freedom to rely on his teacher to keep him safe while you’re not there. THAT is selfless. It can’t be easy letting him know other people can love him and protect him and yet your love for the boys allows you to do that.
My friend, you are the least selfish person I know.
I love you and I am sending my wishes to the planets in advance of Friday!
Blessed JPII, pray for us. St. John the Evangelist, pray for us. Our Lady, Help of the Sick, pray for us. Chickadee #1 has added intercessions to our night time prayers. I’ll add them here, for you. I don’t see selfishness in you — just love. Many prayers in advance of Friday, and always.
Reading the comments here all I can say is “amen.”
I’m with everyone else saying that it’s NOT selfish. Not only do your kids want you to stay in their lives, but so does everyone that cares about you. And you being around to be the best YOU that you can be, that gives to everyone else.
*hugs* And I think that Little Bear’s observation should be something you put where you can see it every day. Because even when our kids tell us something profound, it’s sometimes hard to remember it day in and day out.
You are not selfish, terribly far from it. Sending love.
I don’t post on many people’s blogs, but you’ve touched my heart. Such great honest thoughts. I will be thinking about you.
Aw, that is such an awesome thing to say for him. And I very much hope Friday will indeed show that he is right, again.
I’m with everyone else. It’s not selfish to want to see your children grow up. Here’s hoping Little Bear is spot on.
Lisa B
Hampshire, UK
I am praying that you will beat this the fourth time and the Lord will give you His strength.
About the upcoming scans — so completely hopeful… for you and with you!
I’ve never met you, but I want you here! Women in science need you. Little girls who need a role model need you. Little boys who need a role model need you. Grown ups who need a role model need you!
Hoping and praying for good news with your scan.
hugs to my not selfish friend. Here’s to us winning many more battles and staying around for as long as we can.
Susan,
I only “know” you through your blog, and I am not ready for you to go either and I want you to be able to watch your children grow and to be there for them. I don’t believe that it is selfish to hope or to ask to be healed or to have much more time on this Earth with loved ones. I would ask the same thing, and my children are much older than yours. I pray for you, for healing, for health, for love beyond measure.
Ruthie from Cali
Thanks, y’all. But it really is selfish, and I know that – so many of my sisters in this fight have been lost to this horrible disease, and I have been spared not once but three times – three cancers. I am lucky, and I know it. And although I do know that it is a selfish hope (sorry to contradict you!), I still cling to it with everything that I have and everything that I am.
And I will fight, again. Because it is the right thing for me to do now.
It’s not selfish at all. It’s what we all want and pray for!
you’re wonderful example for your children + us moms conquering cancer
You’re not taking away from anyone else’s health by getting clean scans. Hence, not selfish. Now, if you ate a whole box of chocolates in front of me and didn’t give me one if I asked, you would be selfish. And kinda mean. I mean, who doesn’t give the chubby girl chocolate? Jeez, Susan.
My fingers are crossed for your scans.
I could not agree with Stimey more!
Also, now I kinda want chocolate.
Ah, Stimey, you say it perfectly! And now I want chocolate too.
Susan, you are the least selfish person I know. I’m adding my crossed fingers/prayers/good thoughts/hugs/best wishes to the whole Princess Army’s for clean scans on Friday. Lots of love!
Susan, thinking of you and hoping many times over for clean scans on Friday.
Praying you beat it this time for good. {hugs}
I am all about you being selfish right now–if that is what you want to call it. I call it hope, optimism, being brave…. None of that takes away from the love you have for others that might not being winning the war yet. We can only hope that one day,none of us has to fight against it anymore, having banished it for good.
hugs!
I want you to win too. Best of luck with your scan tomorrow.
Thinking of and praying for you.
I’m praying for clean scans tomorrow– and a long, long life with your boys.
Thinking of you. I continue to be amazed by your ability to see the glass as half full. Today you are focused on the fact that you are feeling better and you have already fought back 3 times. May little bear have the truth as well as those precious words.
Thinking of you and praying for clean scans today.
This is my first time reading and I am so deeply touched by your story and your strength. I hope today’s scan goes well and you beat cancer one more time. Because being here for your children is never too much to ask. Sending you hugs and many moments of peace.
Thinking about you today.
Thinking of you and your scans today!
I hope all went well yesterday. I think of you often and hope/pray for the best.
I want Little Bear’s words to be true too! Wow, you have such amazing kids, no doubt since you’re such a great mom!