Admitted to hospital for better pain management. Nurses couldn’t get an IV in (chemotherapy shrinks the veins) and my blood pressure rises to 181/110 when I stand. So tomorrow morning, they will place a port in my upper chest so that IV access is just a stick away.

They’ve upped my pain meds to oxycontin + dilauded. Tomorrow I’ll have x-rays to see if anything’s broken and meet with my oncologist to decide on a plan for what to do about the spots of cancer they saw in the scan. I don’t know how many or how much – there’s time for that tomorrow.

Tonight I rest and thank God for the friends and family who watched my kids today and those who surprised me with a visit already. Tomorrow morning I have the surgery I’ve dreaded for four years (probably needlessly) and emerge with essentially a small pincushion hooked into my artery. This will make treatments easier. It will make hydration and blood draws easier. But tonight, it doesn’t feel very easy at all.

Please pray with me for healing.



144 Responses to Hospital

  1. Stella says:

    Oh, Susan! Truly the port will make things better for you. I can’t believe they let you get away without it for so long. I pray for you daily. Be strong, my friend!

  2. I don’t know you at all but thanks to The Bloggess, I’ve discovered you and your story. Thinking of you and your family. Good luck with your surgery…

  3. Prayers, you have them. Also, I have the overwhelming urge to punch cancer in its stupid ugly face.

  4. You are in my thoughts and prayers…
    Hope you feel better soon.

  5. Megan says:

    I just posted on your previous thread. I will continue prayers. I am sure you are missing Widget and Little Bear tonight. Big Hugs Susan. You are NOT ALONE. I hope you can get some rest and please know that many people (many you have not even met, like myself) are sending healing thoughts to you.

  6. Amanda says:

    Done, my friend. Sending you love and light.

  7. veronicaeye says:

    Love you chica. Sending you lots of strength & hugs.

  8. justenjoyhim says:

    Oh Susan, I’m so sorry for what you’re going through. You’re definitely in my prayers.

    I echo what Stella said. The port makes infusions SO much easier.

    Much love to you.

  9. Prayers, healing light, candles burning for you, Susan.

  10. Debbie Willey says:

    Susan. Just found your website over the weekend. Seems your diagnosis is similar to mine. Ipray for you and know they will get your pain under control. Your oncologist will get you on the best treatment for you and you will be standing strong soon. But try and sleep well tonight. One day at a time.

  11. slouchy says:

    sending you strength and so much love

  12. Magpie says:

    Love to you, Susan.

  13. Juanita says:

    praying for you, sweet susan.

  14. You’re in my thoughts, Susan!

  15. marty l says:

    Without ceasing.

  16. Sending you love and prayers from my innermost core.

  17. Morra says:

    Prayers for you and yours Susan. Much love.

  18. Pray; this I can do! I circulated a prayer request on my blogs & facebook. We will do battle for you in prayer.

    P.S I too discovered you through @theBloggess

  19. Stephanie says:

    Susan, wishing you some serious pain relief. So sorry you are in pain. Warm thoughts for you and your family.

  20. Praying with everything I’ve got just for you! Sending tons of love and gentle hugs and can’t wait to see you soon!

  21. karen says:

    You’re in my thoughts, love

  22. Elaine says:

    This port could turn everything around. It could deliver the most effective medicine yet. That’s what I’m praying for until this cancer finally leaves your body for good. I left my office to stand in the rain for a few moments today as I thought of you. May healing wash over you.

  23. Jo Major Ciolino says:

    Glad you are in a place where better pain meds can be received. The worst part of any surgery is the anticipation part – I promise. It will be wonderful to have the port in place & save you further aggravation.
    Rest tonight knowing there is a virtual constellation of people like me who are clustered around you in thought & prayer, and loving you every moment.

  24. cagey says:

    My mom, a cancer survivor, is also a reader here. Every status of yours brings a PHONE CALL to me now. Know that at least two of us here from the University of Kansas read your posts with much hope and love.


  25. Richard Foster says:

    You are in a good place for your pain. The oxycontin and dilaudid should knock the pain down. If not on it, ask about. Anti nausea meds if you are still nauseated. Have a good rest tonight. Praying for you in Ms.

  26. heather says:

    healing prayers for you, Susan. you are so loved.

  27. Oh, my dear… As well as for relief and healing, I pray that you can feel the love we all have for you. You are the strongest woman I “know”, and one that I am so proud to call my friend. xoxo CGF

  28. carosgram says:

    May He hold your whole family in the palm of His hand.

  29. kikarose says:

    Things are always worse than we imagine. Crossing my fingers that that’s the case with tomorrow’s surgery.

    Sleep easy tonight. All of our prayers and good thoughts are keeping you warm.

  30. julie says:

    Thinking of you and sending lots of good wishes your way.

  31. Sarah says:

    Sending thoughts your way, neighbor.

    Love from Mississippi.

  32. Melanie says:

    Prayers lifted up for you and your family! I think and pray for you often here in So. Cal.

  33. Lisa says:

    Susan, I’ve been thinking about you today and hoping things were going better. I had the surgery for the port the day after I got a diagnosis of Stage IV breast cancer, I can’t believe you’ve gone through so much treatment without it. It really will be so much better. I hope all goes well and that the news from the scans is manageable. ((hugs)) to you tonight.

  34. Stimey says:

    So much love to you.

  35. Julie says:

    After reading you for so long (lurking), I feel I know your brilliant mind and loving heart so well. Thinking of you and hope you have a restful night tonight. Really hope I can convey how much I wish for your happiness and healthiness.

  36. Praying praying praying, like never before. Peace, lack of pain, healing, strength.

    (I was just with a very energetic new friend this week who was pulling up her top to cover her port scar. My point: She no longer has need for the port, but during treatment it helped her keep the pain at bay and deliver treatment so effectively. You can have it just while you need it.)

    You are fighting this so well. You are the strongest woman I know.

    I love you my sister.

  37. allison says:

    Don’t know what I want to say, but want to say something. Best thoughts and wishes to you and your family.

  38. Donna says:

    Love and hugs and positive thoughts being sent your way from NC. We’re all with you in thoughts and prayers.

  39. Julie Marsh says:

    Been thinking of you today, will continue thinking of you tonight and tomorrow. Sending much love.

  40. Oh sweetheart, many prayers and healing thoughts being beamed your way from here.

  41. Dana says:

    I hope you have a restful night and everything goes smoothly tomorrow. Prayers for you and your family on their way to God now.

  42. Karen & Jon says:

    Susan, you are in my prayers every day, but I will pray especially long and hard for you tonight. Sending a big hug your way. Hugs to C & the kiddos too.

  43. Margaret says:

    I am praying for your healing and peace– for many years to come.

  44. clifford says:

    Praying with you, Sus.

  45. Carla Whitlock says:

    I continued to be inspired by your strength. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.

  46. Melissa says:

    Prayers tonight and always ….

  47. Hugs and healing to you, my friend. I was thinking of you the other day, of your strength and resilience. I think as you note, the idea of the port might be much worse than the port itself. It sounds like this will make things easier fir as long as you need it.

  48. breaks my heart that I cannot come and hold your hand.


  49. {sue} says:

    Praying as hard as I can. ((((gentle hugs))))

  50. Mimi says:

    I was introduced to your blog by Amanda. My thoughts and prayers are with you. You are an incredible woman!

    I’m in Australia, and it is already tomorrow here….so I wish you a successful surgery and pain free today. 🙂

  51. Suebob says:

    Sending you good thoughts.

  52. Loukia says:

    My thoughts are prayers are with you.

  53. You are in my prayers, hoping you find comfort and peace during your pain and that you are home soon.

  54. Susan says:

    Thoughts and prayers flowing from here, as well. May you get some rest tonight, and wonderful care

  55. Thinking of you, Susan.

  56. Jennifer Burden says:

    Thinking of you. Stay strong. You can do this. Thank you for sharing your moving story. Thinking healthy, thoughts for your recovery!

  57. Rev Dr Mom says:

    Praying hard for healing, for relief from pain, for peace. And gentle hugs.

    All will be well, and all will be well, and all manner of things will be well.

  58. Thoughts and prayers are with you, Susan.

  59. Thinking of you and sending lots of good vibes, thoughts, and prayers your way.

  60. Stacy says:

    Dear Susan … I think of you so often, you would blush if you knew just much I think of your strength and courage. I have learned so much from you, I am humbled by your grace.
    I’m not terribly spiritual, but for you, for YOU, I will pray. I will pray for health and strength and time, there is no one more deserving.

  61. Mama Echo says:

    Thinking of you and your sweet family.

  62. Katie Bryson says:

    Susan my thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. Hugs too.

  63. Veronica McG says:

    I’m holding you and yours in my heart. XOXO

  64. Pam Richardson says:

    I read your blogs all the time. I appreciate everything you send to us.
    I pray all the time for you and your fmaily.
    Even thougth i don’t know you, i sense the person you are from your blogs. You touch your readers hearst as your share your journey with us.
    Tomorrow is a scary day for you, praying God will give you peace, strength, and wisdom as your continue your journey.
    Asking God to give you relief from your pain. Sleep well and know many care about you and are praying not only for you, but your huband, and children.

  65. Steph says:


    I think about you and your family every day. ((HUGS))

  66. PB and Jazz says:

    You are in my thoughts and prayers. God bless you and your family.

  67. toby says:

    Please know how much you are in my thoughts; you have had such a rough journey and you have always tried to find the positive in all that you do! Hang in there, but sleep and rest, and know that you are held in the arms of those who care about you!

  68. Jennifer P says:

    Oh Susan, you’ll be in my prayers tonight and I wish you lots of healing energy over the next few days.

  69. BeckyH says:

    Susan, you are in our thoughts and prayers.

  70. Pgoodness says:

    Holding your hand from afar. xo

  71. loran says:

    In my prayers. xo

  72. Thinking of you, Susan and praying for healing.

  73. Holding you close in my heart.

  74. Dear Susan, prayers upon prayers coming.

    Love, Elizabeth

  75. Kami says:

    Praying big time.

  76. Lisa B says:

    Thinking of you and sending “get lost, cancer” thoughts.

    You’ve been on my mind lately. So much so that last night I dreamt I was at a breast cancer conference and you were there. I came up to introduce myself. You were at least 7 feet tall! Must be your personality and spirit.

    Lisa B
    Hampshire, UK

  77. just heard your news – love and hugs from NZ

  78. My husband and I are praying for you daily. You and your family are on my mind and in my heart. You have truly touched the many who read your blog. God bless you and yours, Penny from Las Vegas

  79. I am praying for you Susan. Hard.

  80. While your words are very brave (like yourself) I’m sure you must also be very scared right now. Sending you waves of prayers and healing energy. Also you must know that for every comment here, there are dozens, if not hundreds of other readers who are doing the same, silently. And when BlogHer gathers, all 3,000 of us will be doing so, too. (We will miss you there.)

  81. S. Potter says:

    You have my prayers. I’ve been storming the gates of heaven with prayers for you since I read your blog for the first time last night. Much love from my family. We’re strangers, but we’re praying for you like a sister.

  82. Sue Farrell says:

    Susan, having a port put in is not a difficult procedure. The physical aspect is rather simple. Having to have one put in is so hard to digest–I know from experience. Please trust me when I say that it will be easier on you once it is done. My prayers and thoughts are with you and your family.

  83. Lindsey says:

    My prayers are with you. xo

  84. Scary Mommy says:

    Thinking of you, Susan, and wishing for pain free, love filled days.

  85. Susan, as a long time blog reader who rarely comments, I just wanted to tell you that you and your family have been in my thoughts and prayers this week and will continue to be.

  86. ivette santiago says:

    I am praying for you, I have a direct line with the Man above (lol) just a little something to lift up your spirit….Have strenght, faith, dont give up! God will always watch over you! God bless you and yours.

    Lots of Love!

  87. J.J. says:

    Continuous prayers for you

  88. *m* says:

    Just one more of the many who are thinking of and praying for and rooting for you! You and your guys are so very much in my thoughts.

  89. Jessica Lippy says:

    You and your family are in my thougths and prayers.

  90. Amy says:

    Whatever it takes and one day at a time. Easier said then done, I know… Prayers and love.

  91. Kelly Kruger says:

    Sometimes the nights are harder, but I hope you awoke filled with hope for today. You are in the right place to ease the pain that you are suffering from. Let the doctors help with the physical healing as we help with the emotional healing. While many miles stand between us, may you feel us close in your heart as you deal with the most recent setback. I am praying that it is very short lived.

  92. Sending you prayers and love and gentle hugs.

  93. We are all here. I am praying.

  94. ilinap says:

    You are in my thoughts and prayers, Susan. Many hugs to you.

  95. Twice Five Miles says:

    I was terrified of the port too. But truly, it made things so much easier, and it healed fast. I hope this will be the case for you too.

    I don’t usually pray. But today I am praying for you. Sending so much love.

  96. It’s already tomorrow, so I’m hoping that you have had a good night and that the meds offered some relief. Good luck with the procedure today; was with my dad when he had his port put in and he said it wasn’t nearly as bad as he had feared.
    Much love and good thoughts.

  97. Heather says:

    I’m a friend of Canape’s who has been following your blog for a long time. Many many prayers for you and your family.

  98. victoria says:

    I’m a lurker who’s been reading for awhile. You’re in my thoughts often, and I hope they get your pain under control soon.

  99. Teri says:

    Another lurker here, sending all things positive your way. You are an amazing woman who has touched the hearts of so many.
    May brighter days come your way soon!

  100. Angela says:

    Oh Susan! I’m thinking of you right this minute and praying for relief from fear and pain for you and comfort for you and your family. You have hands all over the world holding you up right now.

  101. Nicole says:

    Oh Susan, I’m sorry you’re in pain. That sucks. But I echo every body else when I say a port can be a huge blessing. Mine was really small but I was super grateful for it. (except when the Er nurse tried to access it. She was terrible. Heh.). Did you not have a port first go around?

  102. anandaleeke says:

    Hi Susan. My prayers are with you. I am affirming your healing and wholeness.

  103. Laurie says:

    Thinking of you lots. Glad the pain is now under control. I actually love my port. It has taken away so much stress and just made treatment so much easier. You’ll be glad you have it.
    But I’m so sorry you need it. xo

  104. Lisa says:

    Know that there is someone else out here – praying for you, pulling for you and sending love to you and your family.

  105. We’re with you in spirit. You’re not alone.

  106. Amy says:

    Thinking of you and hoping the port helps!

  107. FishyGirl says:

    Love and strength coming your way. Peace be with you.

  108. Amy says:

    Praying, Susan.

  109. Merry says:

    Sending love and strength.

  110. Prayers… got ’em….it’s the least everyone at Crickett’s Answer for Cancer can do for you….

  111. Aunt Becky says:

    Okay, when I stop weeping, I’ll start praying. I love you so much.

  112. Lynn says:

    Hoping that your tomorrows are pain free and you are filled with peace as the next days unfold……you sound very brave but I know you must be afraid and doing the super mommy “dance”. It’s ok to be afraid.

  113. JenC says:

    Susan, sending many prayers and hopes that the pain is manageable. The port will make it so much easier on you. I pray for healing and strength.

  114. sarahdees says:

    I echo what others said. The port will make things better for you. I hated having to have it, but it made treatment very routine and no big deal to have things in and out of it. It came out easily when I didn’t need it any more, healed well, and now I consider my small scar from it my badge of courage. I read your blog and have such respect and admiration for you. Sending much love your way and hoping for excellent healing for you. One more thing….I still live with chronic pain, but life is worth even that. I have raised my daughter this way for the past ten years. So proud that she just turned 16 and I’m still here!

  115. fran says:

    My heart goes out to you, Susan dear. I will be praying for a favorable outcome for you, sweetie. The sisterhood of those of us fighting this horrendous disease are with you in spirit and fellowship……. ;'(

  116. fran53 says:

    My heart goes out to you, Susan dear. I will be praying for a favorable outcome for you, sweetie. The sisterhood of those of us fighting this horrendous disease are with you in spirit and fellowship……. ;'(

  117. Jana A says:

    Sending love and prayers to you, Susan… from all of us at Band Back Together.

  118. Mel says:

    Sending so many good thoughts for today.

  119. Nadia says:

    My thoughts are with you,

  120. rebecca says:

    Long time reader but I don’t know if I’ve ever commented. Wanted you to know we’re sending big fat Kick Cancer in the Butt thoughts out here form Las Vegas (seems like you’ve got a world, may, a galaxy of well wishers spread far and wide). And also some soft, gentle hugs for when you need them. Feel free to share them with the kiddos too.

  121. Michelle says:

    Dear Susan,
    I’m praying…

  122. Lena says:

    My thoughts and prayers are with you, your hubby, and your littles, Susan.

    We’re all out here pulling for you.

  123. Andrea says:

    Prayers and peace to all of you; may there be relief from your pain.

  124. katstone1 says:

    There are so many people focusing all of their good thoughts on you. I hope in some way you can feel all that loving energy. I’m streaming as much of it your way as possible.

  125. Megan says:

    If anyone has heard from Susan and can give a brief update, please do. I have been thinking of her ALL DAY!

  126. Eileen says:

    My heart goes out to you and your family. Your strength inspires me. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

  127. many, many, many prayers are going out to you from me! thinking of you!!! xoxoxoxoxo

  128. Carol says:

    Prayers for you and your family daily. Hugs.

  129. Heather says:

    Praying for you. My heart goes out to you & your family. Hope. Always hope.

  130. Janine Davis says:

    As always, praying for you with much love.

  131. So much love, all heading in your direction! As always, I’m holding you in my heart, and my praying friends are praying for you too. Pearl says: Big hugs and kisses.

  132. jr says:

    Praying for you from Canada, Susan. May you be well and free from pain.

  133. Jill B says:

    Sending love and strength from the UK.

  134. Deerbaby says:

    Love and strength to you.

  135. pam says:

    Will continue sending prayers for you and your family

  136. ella says:

    Praying for you Susan xx

  137. sophanne says:

    Hoping with you that all will be well.

  138. Meredith says:

    Praying for the pain (and hospital boredom!) to ease.

  139. flutter says:

    I love you. I am holding you in spirit and you have all of my heart in yours.

  140. Sending lots of strength & pure love your way, sweetheart. Love you.

  141. Vickie says:

    Hadn’t checked in in a while. Will be praying very hard for the pain to go away and for good news to come down the line.

  142. julie says:

    Thinking of you, I hope you’re not too tired and you’ll be out of the hospital soon. Sending tons of good wishes your way.

  143. Shawna says:

    today, i read hope. you are strong and i am in awe of you. sending you healing thoughts!

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