is exhausting. Too exhausting. As I’ve gone through the week, I can’t help feeling that my last post here was not altogether honest. I have always been honest with this blog, as otherwise, I don’t see the point, and I tell what I can so that others can understand what it might be like for their friends who have cancer, but some days I don’t have the energy to put in that magical little twist where everything turns out ok, because I know how to cherish the moment, or because I realize that I now have days that I wouldn’t have if I weren’t so lucky and the medicines so good. I want to be grateful for this day. I do. And, sooner or later, I realize that I always am grateful, and I try to capture those moments here along with the frustrating and tiring and sad parts, because life is always a mix, and life doesn’t end the day you hear the words, “You have cancer.”
But this last week has been pretty awful. Several of the last weeks have, actually, and it’s pissing me off.
The pain is under control. I’m on good medication, and I almost always take it on schedule. That helps, and I have the warm pool in the sunroom now to help soothe my aches and pains every night and when I get behind on the medicine or it just isn’t enough. But the meds — a weekly chemo, a monthly infusion, two pain pills, one to help with menopause, and two to sleep at night — all put me to sleep, and I’m so very tired. I can’t tell whether it’s from the meds or from the general weakness of, you know, fighting cancer, and so I can’t tell when it’s ok to take a 5 hour nap and when I should power through for another bit. I know, I know, it’s always “ok” to nap — but it doesn’t really help me get anything done, ya know?
I’ll post again soon. There have been joys — seeing the kids adjust to school so well, watching Widget play soccer and seeing him raise his arms jubilantly as he runs back down the field after scoring a goal, cuddling Little Bear when he asks, and listening to his great stories of the games he plays with “the spy kids” at junior kindergarten. I joined a new prayer group today, and I am thankful for them already. My parents-in-law are visiting this month, and I am so grateful for their company during the day. They are such a big help with the wash, the errands, the house, and the children, as my parents are when they visit too. My parents are doing well and having fun, traveling last week, and I’m happy for them. My husband — oh, you know, he’s perfect in every way, especially as far as the internet is concerned! 🙂 So there are good times, and good moments, and when I read the children to sleep or greet them with milk and cookies when they come in the door from school, I am so grateful for life.
But in the hours between, the times when I must sleep the morning, the afternoon, or both away to restore my energy or reduce the pain, it’s hard. I lie on the bed, reading or gaming or watching tv, and I feel absolutely rotten that I can’t do more. That I can’t be of service more. That I can’t drop by the school or lead cub scouts or run around with the kids at soccer. And I lie there, and wait for my body to be restored so that I can get up again and do the little I can, and I feel rotten.
But I don’t write about those parts, because what can I say? Cancer sucks? Having cancer cells replace healthy cells in your spine, hips, ribs, and legs makes those parts hurt? I’m tired of resting? How ungrateful of me! How rotten, when I am so lucky to be alive when so many of the friends I’ve met through Mothers With Cancer are not!
So I lie quietly, and wait “for my energy bar to fill up again,” as the boys say, in the language of video games, and I try not to be a bother as people hustle and bustle around me, doing my work, taking care of my children.
But still, it is exhausting.